3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 50 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Lightbulb Jokes Ok, ok, ok, there's no real shortage of these, but, I figured, what the hell. Q- How many bartenders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A- None, we tip our barbacks to do that for us. Q- How many bartenders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A- Just one. They hold it steady and the world revolves around them. Q- How many bartenders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A- Two. But how the F**K did they get inside a lightbulb in the first place Q- How many DJs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A- They can't. They'd get too mesmerised just looking at a lightbulb to change it. Q- How many cocktail waitreses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A- Just one. Take a customer to the back to "persuade" him to do it for her. Q- How many flair bartenders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A- Just one, but a helluva lot of lightbulbs. (Crash!! Damn it, I'm more used to doing this with a bottle) Q- How many bar managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A- 7. One to notice that we're running low on lightbulbs, two to order more, one to get fired before the new lightbulb gets here, one to gripe about how we could have gotten this lightbulb cheaper, one to blame everything on the previous bar manager, and one to order the barback to screw the damn thing in. Q- How many martini bar bartenders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A- "I don't know, but if you tell me what color it's supposed to be, I can fake it" Har-de-har-har. Please feel free to add more to this list, as I know I forgot a bunch. But by god, it is 6:00 in the morning here. Andy "Irish" Domenico -- Andy |
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Ways To Know If You Have Pms Everyone around you has an attitude problem. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****." Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. You're counting down the days until menopause. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday You look in the mirror and see...... -- Anonymous |
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Quote Why Do They Call It Coming When You Leave Right After -- Sean |
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How To Get Out Of Your Next Speeding Ticket... A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding too! -- Anonymous |
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Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who WOULD actually hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. -- AnDrEa - Keep your fork |
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Why They Should Eliminate Caddies Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course. Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth. Golfer: I’ve played so poorly all day – I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake. Caddie: I don’t think you can keep your head down that long, sir. Golfer: This is the worst golf course I’ve ever played on! Caddie: This isn’t the golf course – we left that an hour ago. Golfer: Well, Caddie, how do you like my game? Caddie: Very good, sir, but personally I prefer golf. Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before. Caddie: I didn’t realize you had played before, sir. Golfer: Caddie, do you think my game is improving? Caddie: Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch every five minutes – it’s distracting me! Caddie: This isn’t a watch – it’s a compass. Golfer: This golf is a funny game. Caddie: It’s not supposed to be. Golfer: That can’t be my ball, Caddie. It looks far too old. Caddie: It has been awhile since we started, sir. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron? Caddie: Eventually. Golfer: You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world! Caddie: I doubt it, That would be just too much of a coincidence. -- Anonymous |
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Bank Dealings This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement that, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I "try" to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for Authorized Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. Press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer [to leave a message a Password to access my computer is required: password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact]. 8. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 79. To make a general complaint or inquiry:. The Authorized Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for." After twenty minutes of that, our mutual Contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back To you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of 2% of my balance or $50 (whichever is more) to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your humble client, Jules Winder -- Anonymous |
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Bad American-george Carlin Style I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it! I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God. My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already. I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world for the next four years. I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause. These people should be targets. I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child; it takes two parents. I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. I think Dr. Seuss was a genius. I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. And I want my country back!! -- Anonymous |
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Alcohol Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: 1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. 2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. 5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. 8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. 9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. 10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. 15. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. -- breaker |
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Horse A horse walks into a bar and grabs a seat. The bartender comes over and says, "why the long face?" (NO!!!! that's not the joke!!) The bartender says, "What's your poison?" and the horse says "Just get me a beer." So the bartender gets the beer, puts it down in front of the horse and says, "that'll be nine dollars please." The horse pays for the beer moves to a booth and sits back for a drink. Now the bartender after awhile becomes a bit curious, so as he's cleaning up, he comments to the horse, " I must say, we don't see many horses come in here" "At nine dollars for a beer," replies the horse,"I'm not surprised!!" -- JAMIE |
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