3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 51 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Big Ones a giraffe walks into a bar. he bellies up and says, "hey guy's, the high balls are on me!" a skeleton walks into a bar. he says,"i'll have a beer, and a mop." a horse walks into a bar. the bartender says, "hey man, why the long face?" three guys walk into a bar. which is funny, because you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. a grasshopper walks into a bar. the bartender says "hey, you know we have a drink named after you!" the grasshopper says, "you have a drink named steve?" -- P.C. |
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My Favorite the pope dies, and goes to heaven. as he arrives, he finds himself in a line about twelve blocks long. he is not exactly accustomed to being treated like this, but says to himself, "i am a man of god, i am pious and humble, and this is obviously a test." so he waits an hour, or so. he finally gets to the gate, and instead of the fanfare that he expects to recieve, he is greeted by st.peter with "pope john. check, go on in." pope john is a bit miffed by the lack of attention, but says to himself, "i am a man of god, i am pious and humble, and this is obviously a test." he is soon escorted to his heavenly home. a modest two story with a nice yard, and a view. being quite used to much better accomodations, he feels slighted, but says to himself, "i am a man of god, i am pious and humble, and this is obviously a test." after getting settled, he decides to go for a walk to clear the selfish, improper thoughts from his head. he walks down the street, and after a few blocks, begins to see a huge mansion at the last corner. this house is incredible. acres of grounds, hundreds of rooms, statues, gardens...just beautiful. john finally snaps. he stalks down the street until he finds peter. he grabs peter by the robe, and says, " look here. i was god's connection to mankind all my life. i lived by his laws, i spoke his word, i saved thousands of souls. i spent my entire life doing god's work. i get here, i have to wait in line. you finally get to me, and all you say is 'pope, check', no recognition. my home here in heaven is substandard, at best, and i have not once been so much as thanked for all my work. but i'm willing to put all that aside if you will answer one question for me. who lives in that beautiful house at the end of this street?" st.pete chuckles to himself. "well john," he laughs, " you must understand. this is heaven, we got all the popes. we've only got one bartender." -- P.C. |
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Quote The tests of life are not to break you, but to make you. -- N.V. Peale |
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It's Good To Be A Man. It's Good to Be a Man . Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original colour. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. -- Anonymous |
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Quotes Quotes "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" -- Patricia Arquette "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends") "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods (On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Yasir Arrafat (PLO leader) (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Bruce Willis "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." -- George Burns "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather (News anchorman) "I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead) -- Anonymous |
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Man Walks Into A Pub A man walks in to a pub buys a drink and notices a sign saying "WIN $1000 If can make the donkey laugh" The man walks over to the donkey and whispers in the donkeys ear and the donkey begins to laugh. He collects his money and walks out. 2 weeks later the same man walks into the pub and the signs changed "WIN $1000 if you can make the donkey cry" the man says ok walks over to the donkey and whispers in its ear and it starts to cry. He walks over to collect his money and the barman says "how did you do that." "You see 2weeks ago I said to it my Dick bigger than yours and he laughed. So this week I just went up to hime and showed him it" -- Kris Simpon |
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True Friends Real Friend's Poem For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of reality. When you are sad ... I will help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad. When you are blue ... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you. When you smile ... I'll know you finally got laid. When you are scared ... I will rag you about it every chance I get. When you are worried ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. When you are confused ... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. When you are sick ... Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have. When you fall ... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath ... I pledge till the end. why you may ask? ... Because you're my friend. -- Anonymous |
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Jokes Why couldn't the glass fool anyone? People could see right though him. Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Giraffe, Lion, Camel, Lawyer, Policeman, Judge, Priest, Rabbi, Minister, all walk into a bar. "What's this?" says the barman "Some kind of a joke?" A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin." Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar?? She heard drinks were on the house. -- Miss Charming at www.charmingbartricks.com |
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Walks Into A Bar A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?" (I dont care what any of you think, it kills me everytime. Ryan Boyd) -- Ryan Boyd |
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My Resignation My Resignation I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an ADULT. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle. I want to see who can blow the biggest bubble. I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them. I want to drink Kool-Aid,and eat lemonheads with my friends. I don't want to change clothes because I got a little dirty. I want to enjoy everyday like its summer vacation. I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and TV show theme songs, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again, like a new hot wheel. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination and mankind. I want to be in the roller derby and actually believe The Three Stooges are real. So...here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements, my pager, my Cell Phone, my palm pilot, my fax machine and my DVD player, and last but not least my mortgage book. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first cause... "TAG YOU'RE IT AND YOU HAVE COOTIES" -- Anonymous |
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