3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 52 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Top 25 Signs That You've Already Grown Up 1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. Fooling around in a twin sized bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. 17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information. 19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,' 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's. 23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar. -- Anonymous |
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What Goes Around Comes Around A really nice story for you to enjoy.... His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill. Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on Earth. Have a great day! Ian -- Anonymous |
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Silly Questions Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Why is the man who invests all your money called a "broker"? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a "racist"? Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"? "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that... electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it "Fed UP"? (he he he) Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks"? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? (ha ha ha) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? ( hmmm...) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? -- Anonymous |
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Hell - Exothermic Or Endothermic ? The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington senior chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well... ------------------------------------------------------ Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only "A" given. -- Anonymous |
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You Know It's Time To Go Home When... Anyone who has ever been drunk will relate to these!!!!!! 19 CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN ... 1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are. 2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room. 3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass. 4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago. 5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating. 6. You start crying. 7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work. 8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd. 9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher. 10.The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. You've forgotten where you live. 12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10 times by now) you only smoke when you drink. 13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka. 14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza. 15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..." 16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it. 17.Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!). 19.You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to. -- Anonymous |
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Words Of Wisdom From George Carilin 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 26. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 29. How is it possible to have a civil war? 30. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? 32. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? 35. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 38. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket? 39. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? 40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 41. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? -- Anonymous |
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Confession A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no." says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said, "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" -- Anonymous |
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Talking Millipede A man saw a talking Millipede at the pet store. "OK," thought the man, "I'll give it a go..." So he bought a millipede, took it home, and for lack of advance preparations made it a temporary home in a cardboard box. That evening testing his new pet, he leaned over the closed box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?" He waited a few moments but there was no reply. He tried again, "Hey, millipede, wanna come to the boozer with me???" Again, no response. Disgusted by his gullible nature, he decided to give it one more try before returning the millipede to the pet shop. So he got real close to the box and repeated rather loudly , "I SAID I'M GOING TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK. DO YOU WANNA COME? For God's sake, I heard you the first time!!" snapped the millipede, "I'm just putting my f**kin' shoes on..." -- Anonymous |
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