3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 6 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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Headaches A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..". He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked. "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Hooker Finances The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor". "Well , what did he want to do?" They all asked. She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well how much do you have"? The sailor said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand". He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand" "Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?" I loaned him $75!" she said. ____________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Honeymoon ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The hillbilly and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says: "Honey. I have something to tell you. "I am a virgin." The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs straight towards his fathers house. When he gets there his father asks: "Son, what are you doing here? You 're supposed to be on your honeymoon." The son replied: " Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She is a virgin." "Damn son. You sure did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours...." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Hospital Penis An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr.Smith, I thought you told me your penis died". "It did" he replied; "today is the viewing". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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How'd You Know That? A Blonde was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?" "Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. She persisted. "Do you like gardening?" The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading. Undaunted, The blonde asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pierre Leaves His Wife Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe. Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?" Pierre replied, "Woman, I'm leaving you!" Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our marriage?" Pierre replied, "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?" Pierre replied, "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?" Pierre replied, "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Then Marie hikes up her skirt and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?" As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Change On A Wedding Night A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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If Men Menstruated What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event. Men would brag about how long and how much. Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties. Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts. Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.) Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean"). Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("you MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfless to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment. Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by high-fiving and saying, "Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!" TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers!") Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself...though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man. Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets...and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month? Liberal males in every field would be kind to women: the fact that "these people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Mortgage Payments One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, andI heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, "And I'll be DAMNED if I get stuck with a $80,000 mortgage!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Why The Net Is Like A Penis WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A PENIS --------------------------------------------------------------------------- * It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. * In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. * It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. * It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. * If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. * It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. * We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. * If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. * It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" * Some folks have it, some don't. * Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. * Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. * Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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