3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
59 Quotes Jokes
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More Quickies A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says I want 69. His wife says "why you want Beef and Broccoli now?" ========================== A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the husband and says "Let's send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck. ========================== How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ========================== How can you tell if a girl is a redneck? She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit and what to swallow. ======================== Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ========================= Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong ========================= What's the best thing about a blowjob? 10 minutes of peace and quiet. ========================= Did you hear they came out with a new Selena doll? Ken and Barbie needed a maid. ======================== What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass? A Mechanic. ======================== What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment. ======================== What do you call a German tampon? A Twatstika. ======================== Definition of a nice Greek Boy.... A Greek boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother. ======================== What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. ======================== What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all. ======================== Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either. ======================== Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo" ======================= Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ======================= How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- He fell ======================= Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls? A. They're going to call her Old Spice. ======================= Q. Why do men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ======================= Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton? A.Place to hang their air freshener. ======================= Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." ======================= Q. What is the first thing a brunette hears in the morning? A. "Sssshh. I have to call my wife." ======================= Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ======================= Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common? A: Nothing... yet. ======================= Q: What is the generic name for Viagara? A: Mycoxaphaillin ======================= Q. What is the difference between driving in the fog and 69-ing? A. When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Still More Quickies QUESTIONS & ANSWERS Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist? A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass. Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party,and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you. Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt,then he's a goblin.' Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm. Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever. Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic! Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Questions For Heterosexuals Tough Questions for Heterosexuals 1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality? 2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual? 3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of? 4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex? 5. Do you parents know you are straight? Do your friends and/or roomates know? 6. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet? 7. Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex? 8. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to introduce others to their lifestyle? 9. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it wise to expose children to heterosexual teachers? 10. Just what do men and women do in bed together? 11. Bearing in mind the current divorce rate, why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals? 12. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual? 13. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy? 14. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face? ___________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Memorable Quotes From a booklet entitled "New Work Habits for a Radically Changing World" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "They're only puttin' in a nickel, but they want a dollar song".... (Song Title) "I have a microwave fireplace. You can lay down in front of the fire all night in eight minutes." (Steven Wright) "The certainty of misery is better than the misery of uncertainty." (Pogo comic strip) "We're all in this alone." (Lily Tomlin) "There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on..." (Robert Byrne) "Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us." (Jerry Garcia of The Grateful Dead) "They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it." (Gracie Allen) "The first time I walked into aa trophy shop, I looked around and thought to myself, 'This guy is GOOD!' (Fred Wolf) "We have only one person to blame, and that's each other." (Bary Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during NHL's Stanley Cup playoffs) \\|// (o o) ~~~~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Andy Rooney Quotes Andy Rooney Blurbs Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You." Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..." Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood." Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive mwssages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Quotes From Celebrities And Thinkers The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. -- Robert Frost The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. -- Sam Levenson The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! -- Tommy Smothers I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. -- Jackie Mason When you go into court, you're putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm Crosby We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? -- Jean Cocturan The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -- Jay Leno It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. -- Jerry Seinfeld If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. -- Michael Landon Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves, which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing. -- Gamel Abdul Nasser Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. -- Artemus Ward You can always spot a well-informed man - his views are the same as yours. -- Ilka Chase -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Senior Citizens Share Their Wisdom Wisdom From Senior Citizens 1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it. 2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran ? 3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. 5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, Where is it ? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. If at first you do succeed, Try not to look astonished. 9. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, Stop digging. 10. I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of Stock. 11. I went to school to become a wit, Only got halfway though. 12. It was so different before everything changed. 13. Somedays you're the dog, And some days you're the hydrant. 14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident. 16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. 17. I wish the Buck stopped here I could use a few. 18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, It's the sudden stop at the end. 20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 21. Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a trip around the sun. 22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. 24. Never knock on death's door, Ring the bell and run (he hates that). 25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). 26.When you are finally holding all the cards, Why does everyone else decide to play chess. 27. If you are living on the edge, Make sure you're wearing your seatbelt. 28. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead. 29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 30. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 32. It's not hard to meet expenses, They are everywhere. 33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. 34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 35. My body is falling apart--what isn't worn out has holes in it. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Snappy Come Backs 25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?" 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. What? And spoil my great sex life? 4. Nobody would believe me in white. 5. Because I just love hearing this question. 6. Just lucky, I guess. 7. It gives my mother something to live for. 8. My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole. 9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 12. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it. 22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 23. Why aren't you thin? 24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. 25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Think Before Speaking PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22 I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator" The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
