3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Cultural Jokes
This is page 6 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Cultural jokes.
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The Deli A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack." The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew." "Probably, " replied the clerk. "And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?" "Probably," the clerk again replied. "Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?" At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dennis Rodman's Tattoo A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Ebonics In case any of you were looking to pick up a second language...give "ebonics" a try... Forwarded message: "Damn- that shit is DOPE!" ~~~~~ That is a wonderful concept/object/action. "I can't FADE that!" ~~~~~ I am unable to handle this at this time. "Shante ain't HAVIN' it!" ~~~~~ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.. "Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats." ~~~~~ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music. "YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!" ~~~~~ Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette? "JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN' it!" ~~~~~ I had in my posession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity. "What's up? Why you ALL UP IN my shit!?!" ~~~~~ Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs. "She is HELLA' CLOWIN' you HOMEY!" ~~~~~ The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existant at this time. "Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN' STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOOOOVE!" ~~~~~ Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date. "STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your Ass with my NEENER..." ~~~~~ It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as i will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your fanny with my 9mm pistola. "Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN'!?!" ~~~~~ Why are the police officers always worried? "Friday night- COLD CHILLIN' with a 40 and a BLUNT." ~~~~~ It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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An Ebonics Prayer EBONICS ENGLISH Big Daddy's Rap The Lord's Prayer Yo, Big Daddy upstairs, Our Father, who art in heaven You be chillin Hallowed be thy name So be yo hood Thy Kingdom come You be sayin' it, I be doin' it Thy will be done In this here hood and yo's On earth as it is in heaven Gimme some eats Give us this day our daily bread And cut me some slack, Blood And forgive us our trespasses Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me As we forgive those who trespasses against us don't be pushing me into no jive And lead us not into temptation and keep dem Crips away But deliver us from evil 'Cause you always be da Man For thine is the Kingdom, the power Aaa-men Amen ============================================================================= A man is sitting at home when he hears the doorbell ring. He goes to the door and opens it and sees a snail on the ground. Aggravated, he kicks the snail accross the lawn and shuts the door. About a year-and-a-half later, he is sitting at home again and hears the doorbell ring. He goes to the door and again it is the snail who says "Hey man, what did ya do that for?" ============================================================================= Q: What's the difference between a man and his paycheck? A: You can always find a woman to blow his paycheck. Q: Why can't a lesbian go on a diet while wearing make-up? A: Because you can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face. ============================================================================= -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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English English is a Crazy Language Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore it's paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese... One blouse, 2 blice? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a "slim chance" and a "fat chance" be the same, while a "wise man" and "wise guy" are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while "quite a lot" and "quite a few" are alike? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. ____________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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European Traffic Engineering Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: "As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help," etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all how to do it." The German fax read: "We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it." The Polish fax read: "As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. "We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. "So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane . . ." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Football Helmets Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a naked females dead body. Out of respect the Colts fan took off his hat and placed it over her right breast. The Bears fan took off his hat and placed it over the left breast. Following the lead, the Packer fan took of his hat and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when they arrived, the officer conducted his inspection. First he lifted up the Colts hat, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Bears hat, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Then officer then lifted the Packers hat, replaced it; lifted it again; replaced it; and lifted it a third time; and replaced it. The Packers fan was getting upset and asked, What are you, a pervert or something? You keep lifting and looking and lifting and looking." The officer said, "NO, I'm just surprised; normally when I look under a Packers hat, I find an asshole. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Foreign Phrases The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. All except the last one, which breaks the rule. HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle? EX POST FUCTO -- Lost in the mail MAZEL TON -- tons of luck IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys! VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead. RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish. QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown. FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat. HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied. QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort APRES MOE LE DELUGE -- Larry and Curly got wet. ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having dough. VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it. COGITO, ERGO SPUD -- I think, therefore I Yam ------- End of Forwarded Message -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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German Translations A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms Indicators Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken Bonnet (Hood) Die Pullnob und knucklechopper Exhaust Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben Clutch Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken Puncture Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken Learner Die twatte mit ellplatz Estate Car Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto Parking Meter Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer Windscreen Wiper Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder Footbrake Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick Gear lever Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen Breathalyser Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen Rear View Mirror Der Yokhunter Tucklosen Seat Belt Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper Headlights Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad Exhaust (old cars) Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter Highway Code Der Wipenfurarsen Fog Warning Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit Traffic jam Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast Rear Seat Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein Tyres Flahttfarts Backfire Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen Juggernaut Der Fukkengrett Trucken Accident Der Bledinmess Garage Der heiway Robberung Cyclist Der pedallpushinink Pillocken Skid Der Banannan Waltzen Double White Lines Overtaken und Krunchen Near Accident Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Genie In Hawaii This man was walking along the beach in Southern California and discovered what appeared to be a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and sure enough, out came this Genie. The Genie was so excited to be out of the lamp that he gave the man the customary three wishes. The man thought for a few seconds then said to the Genie, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to. You see I am afraid to fly and I get seasick in the bathtub. I would like you to construct a highway to Hawaii so I can drive there." The Genie scratched his head, did some quick calculations, then sadly said, "I hate to tell you this but your wish might be too much for me to give. You see, it would take a tremendous amount of time to lobby the Department of Transportation, the Department of Federal Highway and Safety Administration. Then, the construction costs would require further tax hikes. On top of all this, we would have to construct fuel stations along the route as well. I have never had to turn down a wish like this and I am somewhat embarrassed to do so, but can you think of another wish instead of this one?" The man was disappointed to hear this bad news but took it in stride. He thought a few more seconds and then said, "I have been married for 15 years and have really never been able to understand my wife. I wish you could help me understand my wife." The Genie interupted the man quickly and asked, "Would you like that highway two lane or four lane?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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