3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
77 Marriage Jokes
This is page 6 of 8 pages displaying a total of 77 Marriage jokes.
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Pure Genie-us PURE GENIE-US Once upon a time, a woman named Karen finds a magic lamp. A genie comes out of the lamp, and tells her: "You've got three wishes, but be careful: whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times as much." First, Karen wishes to be the most beautiful woman in the world. "Okay," the genie cautions her, "but your husband will be ten times handsome as you are beautiful." She thinks that's fine: if she's going to be the most beautiful, he may as well be the most handsome. Poof! -the wish is granted. Next, she wishes to be filthy rich. "Okay," says the genie, "but your husband will be ten times as rich." Karen replies, "What's mine is his, and what's his is mine." Poof! -the wish is granted. "And now," she says, "for my final wish, I'd like a slight heart attack...." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Second Honeymoon The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon." "Uh huh," said the old man. "We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "Uh huh," said the old man. "And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, "it's too big, it's too big." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Secret To A Happy Marriage Secret to a Happy Marriage A couple was celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.' -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Secrets For A Happy Marriage Secrets for a Happy Marriage My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake." 8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now! 9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Stand By Your Man Stand By Your Man The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Send FREE Valentine eCards with Yahoo! Greetings! http://greetings.yahoo.com -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Carpenter, Electrician, Dentist The Carpenter, Electrician, Dentist The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note: DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Concept Of Marriage The Concept of Marriage The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Devilish In-law THE DEVILISH IN-LAW One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Great Debate THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten. WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8) "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike,10) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9) THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9) "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE: "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9) "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE: "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9) "If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes to long to learn." (Leo, 7) ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE: "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7) "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a longtime." (Christine,9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS: "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE: "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10) PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER: "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU: "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6) "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9) "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food," (Brad, 8) "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9) WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU": "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS: "You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE: "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Mentor The Mentor A bum asked a man on the street for $2. "Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No, I don't drink." The man took in the bum's tattered and clothes and worn-out shoes and asked, "Will you gamble it away?" Again the bum replies, "No, I don't gamble." Intrigued, the man took another tack. "Will you make bets at the golf course?" And once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf." Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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