3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
61 Children Jokes
This is page 6 of 7 pages displaying a total of 61 Children jokes.
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Teaching Coordinates Teaching Coordinates The geography teacher was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, minutes, and seconds, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes, 30 seconds north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes, zero seconds east longitude." After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Power Of A Period The power of a period A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Teacher Gave Her Fifth Grade Class An Assignment The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Now, Lucy?", "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Betty. Aunt Betty was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a =ottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She tried being friendly with the enemy but they tried to rape her. So she killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Aunt Betty when she's been drinking." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Teacher Walked To The Black Board One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the offender, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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These Are Great Morning Smilers -- : ) These are great morning smilers -- : ) Kids.... Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" +++++++++++++++++ One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." +++++++++++++++++ A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..." Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby stood up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Too My Republican Friends TOO MY REPUBLICAN FRIENDS A teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says Lloudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a liberal Democrat." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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What Did You Learn Today What did you learn today I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 6 I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7 I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14 I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15 I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24 I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26 I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29 I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39 I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41 I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44 I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46 I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47 I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48 I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49 I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50 I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51 I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52 I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53 I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58 I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61 I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62 I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64 I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65 I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72 I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 75 I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82 I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85 I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92 -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Where's Mom And Dad? A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma "where's mom and dad?" and she replied "they're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his Grandma "where's mom and dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed" and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed" and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked "what gives? Every time I tell you their still up in bed you start to laugh, what is going on here?" And the little boy replied "well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the vaseline and I gave him super glue instead." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Who Was The Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived. One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2." As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..." BILL -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Words And Phrases Words and Phrases A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Ice Capades. The skaters were so good, I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten 8." Phrases People are always wondering how certain phrases came into being, like "Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes" and "Remember the Alamo" and so on. A lot of people ask where the saying "You gotta be shittin me." came from. It so happens I know. Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops. They were packed into the boats. It was extremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth. Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the lantern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible for the Corporal had been one their favorites. An hour later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on. An hour later Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said,"General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. (!) Washington knocked on the door. The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there. Washington spoke up, "Maam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired and exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while." Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington said " Well mam, there are thirty two of us without Peters." The Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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