3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 6 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Good One Liners Good One Liners I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust." I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company." I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? I thought about being rich and it doesn't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac. If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight? Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp? I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Gooder English, Worldwide GOODER ENGLISH, WORLDWIDE Public Signs and Notices: In a cocktail lounge in Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. In a doctor's office in Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. In a hotel in Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. From an instruction booklet for the air conditioner in a Japanese hotel: COOLES AND HEATES. IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. From an instruction booklet provided by a car rental agency in Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR. Sign in a public men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the Athi River Highway in Kenya: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On an electric hand dryer in a restroom in Korea: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a maternity ward in Kenya: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB. In the Rules Regulations of a hotel in Tokyo: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a temple in Bangkok: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. In a hotel elevator in Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. In a hotel in Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In a hotel in Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the Black Forest in Germany: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. In a laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. In a tourist agency in Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. An advertisement for a donkey ride in Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? In an airline ticket office in Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Great Truths GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. 7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 8. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac. 9. Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time. 10. School lunches stick to the wall. 11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 12. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts. 13. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, think how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3. One reason to smile is that every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. 5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires. 6. Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. 9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 10. Your mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. 11. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT OLDER FOLKS HAVE LEARNED: 1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2. Insanity may be your only means of relaxation. 3. Forget the health food. You need all the preservatives you can get. 4. When you stoop to tie your shoes, do everything you can while you're down there. 5. Women over fifty don't have babies because if they put them down somewhere they may forget where they left them. 6. A 2-pound box of candy will make you gain 5 pounds. 7. You now know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. 8. You finally get your head together, and your body falls apart. 9. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. 10. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 11. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. 12. You no sooner get used to today, when tomorrow comes along. 13. Sometimes you think you understand everything; then you regain consciousness. 14. If you hang something in your closet for a while, it shrinks two sizes. 15. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. 16. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. 17. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. EXTRA: The four stages of life: 1. You believe in Santa Claus. 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3. You are Santa Claus. 4. You look like Santa Claus. Three Religious Truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Here's Some Advice Bill Gates Recently Dished Out To anyone with kids, of any age, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. This is a good one! RULE 1 Life is not fair - get used to it. RULE 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. RULE 3 You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both. RULE 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. RULE 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity. RULE 6 If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. RULE 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. RULE 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. RULE 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. RULE 10 Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. RULE 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Hilarious Signs! HILARIOUS SIGNS! Over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumber's truck "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Outside a muffler shop "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!Stay!" Door of a plastic surgeon's office "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" On an electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts." In a nonsmoking area "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door "Push. Push. Push." At an optometrist's office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." In the front yard of a funeral home "Drive carefully. We'll wait." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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How To Speak About Women/men And Be Politically Correct: HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is "not DUMB" - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is very PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE- She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He always INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICULAR REGRESSION He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG -He has SWINE EMPATHY He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Hymns For The Over-50 Crowd? HYMNS FOR THE OVER-50 CROWD? 1 - Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up 2 - It Is Well with My Soul, But My Knees Hurt 3 - Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing 4 - Just a Slower Walk with Thee 5 - Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One 6 - Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up 7 - Give Me That Old Timers' Religion 8 - Blessed Insurance 9 - Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked--- -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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I'm A Senior Citizen I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 PM., I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid........ I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.... I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians........... I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......... I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate. I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.... I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory................ I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors...absolutely nothing! I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP..... I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I'm supporting all movements now.... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins. I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the storeroom key. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!! Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more! You didn't, did you??????? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Idiots IDIOTS IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?). IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually -challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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If You If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons ?++ Why don’t they invent a cordless extension cord ?++ Why is it when driving and looking for an address, we turn down the radio ?++ Why do people remember where they were when someone famous was killed ? (Do they have to prove an alibi?)++ Does condensed milk comes from smaller cows ?++ If a turtle loses its shell, is it considered naked or homeless ?++ Why did the chicken really cross the road ? Why does an alarm clock go off, by going on ?++ If a vampire cannot see its reflection, how is their hair always so neat ?++ Why is cheese so secret that we must shred it ? When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose ?++ What do they use to ship styrofoam ?++ Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it ?++ Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?++ Can you tell how old a pirate is by cutting off his peg leg and counting the rings ? Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms ?++ Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job ? What is another word for thesaurus ?++ Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag and put garments in a suitcase? If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism ? If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap ? Can fat people go Skinny Dipping ? ++ How do you let someone know you painted a wet paint sign++ Is it possible to have a civil war ?++ Why do they call it a TV Set, when there is only one ? ++ What happens if you get scared ½ to death twice ?++ Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to ?++ If you choked a Smurf, what color whould it turn ?++ Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims ? If “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro,” is Congress opposed to progress?++ Is animal shampoo tested on humans? Why don’t they call moustaches Mouthbrows? Could it be that Boulders are statues of big rocks? Can they put more clowns than people in a Taxi ?++ Why do Kamakazee pilots wear helmets ? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2 ?++ Do fish get thirsty ? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill them self, would that be considered a hostage situation ? Why is abbreviation such a long word ? How would you throw away a garbage can ? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii ? ++ Do vegetarians eat animal crackers ? ++ Do bleach blondes pretend to have more fun ?++ Why do they but braille numbers on drive-up ATM’s ?- (++from a reader) Why is it when you transport something by car its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship its called cargo? ++ Why isn’t the word phonetic spelt like it sounds ?++ Why is it a pair of pants, but only one shirt ?- (++from a reader) Why does Sour Cream have an expiration date ? - (++from a reader) also Why do croutons have an expiration date ? - Wouldn’t they just get better ? If Teflon is supposed to be non-stick, how do they get it to stay attached to the pan ?++ If “convenience” stores are open 24/7/365, why do they have locks on the doors ? Would a blind tourist use a sighseeing eye dog ? Why does santa work only one night a year ? Why is the word dyslexia so hard to read ?++ Do elves really wear those shoes with the curling tips ? Is there another word for synonym ? If you wear a sheet for halloween are you a ghost or a mattress ? Do police sketch artists start out by drawing chalk outlines ? Why don’t they just make food stamps edible ? Would they invent fireproof matches ? Should a mute be yelled at for talking with their hands full ? Would they invent a solar powered flashlight Do you think it is illegal to yell “Theatre” in a crowded fire ? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting OUT of the water ? When it rains, do cotton fields shrink ? Do chickens think rubber humans are funny ? Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway ? Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a chinaman ? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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