3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 6 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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In The Early Days Of Yesteryear In the early days of yesteryear, nurses were single and very prudent in their personal affairs. Way back in 1939 a train hits a bus load of Navy nurses and they all perish. They all went to heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. He asks the first nurse, have you ever had any contact with a man? The nurse giggles and replies "Well once I touched the genital of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate. St. Peter asks the next nurse the same question. The nurse is a little reluctant but reply’s "Well once I fondled and stroked a genitle of one." St. Peter says OK, dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nurses, one nurse is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Nurse what seems to be the rush?!" The nurse reply’s "If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water I want to go before the nurse in surgery who will have to stick her tongue into it!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Information Can Be Found Anywhere Information can be found anywhere Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me , Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" Yes, Father, tis I." "And who was the woman you were with?" "Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" Five good leads," says Tommy. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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It Was Time For Father John's Saturday Evening Bath It was time for Father John's Saturday evening bath and young sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace and then Father John guided his Key of Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact," said the old nun more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Jake, Johnny And Billy Bob At The Pearly Gates Jake, Johnny and Billy Bob at the Pearly Gates Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death. Being good God fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on." That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away. Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away. Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away. Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?" "I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "But I stepped on a duck..." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Jes' Rollin' Along Jes' rollin' along Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Jesus Is Watching... Jesus is watching... A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" "Probably the same kind of people that would name their rottweiler Jesus," the bird answered. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Joining The Church Joining the Church Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Little Johnny Went To His Mother Demanding A New Bicycle Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead. After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Little Johnny Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours Truly, Little Johnny Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle? Signed, Little Johnny Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter. Jesus, I’ve broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister’s Barbie doll and lots more. I’m desperate. I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. Signed, You know who. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Little Leroy Little Leroy Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into a lot of trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a respectable woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. Letter 1 Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. Letter 2 Dear God, This is your friend Leroy. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again. Letter 3 I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote a fourth letter. Letter 4 God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I promise to be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked, Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him. Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He picked up some paper and a pen. Then began to write his letter to God. Letter 5 God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Mark 16? Mark 16? This one Sunday the pastor, after finishing up his sermon, leaned on the pulpit and looked out at his congregation and said, "Next Sunday my sermon is going to be on lying. In order to prepare for this sermon I want all of you to read Mark 16." The next Sunday the church was packed. As the pastor climbed into the pulpit he looked out over the congregation and said, " Before I start this morning's sermon I want to know how many of you read Mark 16?" The whole congregation raised their hands. "Well," said the pastor, leaning on the pulpit. "I can tell this sermon on lying is needed, because there is no Mark 16 -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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