3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Computers Jokes
This is page 6 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Computers jokes.
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Girl Friend Beta Read Me File I'm currently running the latest version of Girl-Friend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girl-Friend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if you run Girl-Friend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girl-Friend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girl-Friend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girl-Friend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girl-Friend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girl-Friend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right---as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed Girl-Friend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girl-Friend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girl-Friend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run Girl-Friend 1.0 again with Girl-Friend 4.0 still installed, but Girl-Friend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girl-Friend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girl-Friend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girl-Friend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girl-Friend to Girl-Friend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girl-Friend. He discovered that Girl-Friend Plus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fianc e 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Help Desk Scenarios A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet." Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to ..." Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" Customer: [click] Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" ________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Internet Addiction ~~~ You're Hooked! ~~~ You know you're addicted to the internet when... Surfin' * Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom. * Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. * You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. * When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. * Your dog has its own home page. * You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. * You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net". * You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless. Staying Connected! * You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity or phone lines. * You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. * All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. * When you turn off your modem, you get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. * You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. * You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. * You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems. * Actually, you secretly distain them. * Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. * You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." * You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off. * Your friends no longer send you e-mail; they just log on to your IRC channel. * Your modem isn't working, and after a few minutes you begin to sweat, your hands start to tremble... * You pick up the phone and hum modem signals to communicate with your ISP * You succeed. Walk the Walk * You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com * Even your night dreams are in HTML. * Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. * You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. * You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. There were 84 new ones ...last hour. * Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. * You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your 1st instinct is: search for the "back" button. * You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom--and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. * You tell people you live at http://123.elm.street/bluetrim.html * You actually tried that 123.elm.street address. * You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 4.0 or higher." * You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse. * When channel surfing the informercials, you grab a remote control and double-click. ...and Talk the Talk * You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading." * You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au." * You refer to your age as 3.x. * You start tilting your head sideways to smile. Serious Warning Signs! * You kiss your girlfriend's home page. * You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment. * You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. * You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are. * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. * Your son tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. * You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee. * Your wife or husband says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. * You forget what year it is. * You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. * You move into a new house & decide to Netscape before you landscape. * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "You've got work to do" and you don't even have a job. * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. * Your spouse's new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." * You don't know what gender over three of your closest friends are because they have neutral nicknames. * You email this message to your friends on the net. You think about printing it out to show it to your others and... what others?!? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Love Among Consultants Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant 10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period". 9. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late. 8. Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is your day." 7. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation. 6. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom. 5. Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line." 4. Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review. 3. Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals. 2. Valentine's Day card has bullet points. 1. Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Kids And Science THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS: "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube" "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." " The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops." "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration." "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow." "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Microsoft Brakes Microsoft Joke 2 There was an engineer, manager, and a Microsoft programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Microsoft Cars 1) A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it. 2) Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3) Occasionally your car would die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this. 4) You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a car 95 or a car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats. 5) Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable and five times as fast, but it would run on only 5% of the roads... 6) The oil, gas,engine, and alternator lights would all be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 7) People would get excited about "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years. 8) We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas. 9) The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an auto maker instead of giving them. 10) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Microsoft Jokes Q: How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They declare darkness the standard Three Engineers and a Guy from Microsoft There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again and maybe it'll work!?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Microsoft Help Helicopter Malfunction--------------- A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilot's sign said,``Where am I?'' in large letters. The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building. Their sign read,``You are in a helicopter.'' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the ``You are in a helicopter'' sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, ``I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Microsoft Installing Light Bulbs ~~~ Let there be Light, (MicroSoft Style!) - Part II ~~~ Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. - One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?" - one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?" - another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" - and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..." Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet. Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. Q: How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix. Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box. Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user. Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard. A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him. Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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