3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
110 Political Jokes
This is page 6 of 11 pages displaying a total of 110 Political jokes.
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Holiday Cancellation Holiday Cancellation The Office of Personnel Management for the federal government today announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees. There will be two fewer holidays in DC next year. Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled. The witch is moving to New York. She's taking the turkey with her. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Jerry Falwell Seated Next To Clinton Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked Falwell if he would also like a drink. He replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Little Johnny Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self, in the local park. Along comes Suzi, chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?" Johnny replies, "Nah, that's too old fashioned. Spit out your gum, I wanna play President." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Long Delays On The Golf Course Did you hear about the long delays on the golf course outside Washington, DC? Seems like there was a four-some playing that was taking forever to get around the course. The group consisted of Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. According to observers, the problems they were having were attributable to typical problems faced by the novice golfer... Monica is a hooker, OJ is a slicer, Kennedy can't drive over water, and Clinton is never sure which hole he's supposed to be playing. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Monica Lewinsky Dry Cleaning Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean". Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," she says "Mustard....." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Monument Of Bill Clinton Monument Dear Friend: We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, D. C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington (who never told a lie) or beside Jessie Jackson (who never told the truth) since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worth while project. Thank you, Bill Clinton Monument Committee PS: The committee has raised over $ 1.35 so far! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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My Three Sinners My Three Sinners The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Howard Stern. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?" "I've offended people all over the country." The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." Next was Bill Clinton. "What is your sin?" Clinton said, "I cheated on my wife." The Pope looks at him and says, "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." The Pope then asked a third sinner, "What is your name?" "Monica Lewinsky." The Pope said, "Maybe you should remain standing." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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New Slogans For Florida NEW SLOGANS FOR FLORIDA FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait 'till you see us drive. FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction. FLORIDA: We count more than you do. FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count, then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states. FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed. FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote. FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again and again! FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts. FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us. FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount! OR: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice. Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida. Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Notice Of Revocation Of Independence NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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One Night, Bill Clinton Was Awakened One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theater." <<Clinton's Advisors>> -------------------- -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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