3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
150 Blonde Jokes
This is page 7 of 15 pages displaying a total of 150 Blonde jokes.
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Overweight Blonde OVERWEIGHT BLONDE A BLONDE IS TERRIBLY OVERWEIGHT, SO HER DOCTOR PUTS HER ON A DIET. "I WANT YOU TO EAT REGULARLY FOR TWO DAYS, THEN SKIP A DAY AND REPEAT THIS PROCEDURE FOR TWO WEEKS. THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, YOU'LL HAVE LOST AT LEAST FIVE POUNDS. "WHEN THE BLONDE RETURNS, SHE'S LOST NEARLY 20 POUNDS. "WHY, THAT'S AMAZING!" THE DOCTOR SAYS. "DID YOU FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS?" THE BLONDE NODS. "I'LL TELL YOU, THOUGH, I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DROP DEAD THAT THIRD DAY." "FROM HUNGER, YOU MEAN?" ASKED THE DOCTOR. "NO, FROM SKIPPING." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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She Was So Blonde That She Was So Blonde That. . . * She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. * She thought a quarterback was a refund. * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. * She thought General Motors was in the army. * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. * She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics". * She tried to drown a fish. * She tripped over a cordless phone. * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate. * She got stabbed in a shoot-out. * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK". * They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. * At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius. * She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. * It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes". * She studied for a blood test-and failed. * She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." * She sold the car for gas money! * When she saw the "NC-17 under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends. * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. * She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. * When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left' she turned around and went home. * She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Sunburn Sunburn To prepare for his big date, the young man went up to the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool of the trade." Being very determined, the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. He decided to put some lotion on this manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the livingroom to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused. He went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled, the blonde exclaimed, "So THAT'S how you load those things!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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T - G - I - F The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a lovely blonde already inside greeted me by saying, "T - G - I - F." I smiled at her and replied, "S - H - I - T." She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, "T - G - I - F." I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, "S - H - I - T." The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly, "T - G - I - F" one more time. Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical statement, "S - H - I - T." The blonde, finally deciding to explain, said, "T - G - I - F, Thank Goodness It's Friday.....get it?" I answered back, "S - H - I - T....... Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES ! THERE WAS A BLONDE WOMAN WHO WAS HAVING FINANCIAL TROUBLES SO SHE DECIDED TO KIDNAP A CHILD AND DEMAND A RANSOM. SHE WENT TO A LOCAL PARK, GRABBED A LITTLE BOY, TOOK HIM BEHIND A TREE AND WROTE THIS NOTE: "I HAVE KIDNAPPED YOUR CHILD. LEAVE $10,000 IN A PLAIN BROWN BAG BEHIND THE BIG OAK TREE IN THE PARK TOMORROW AT 7 AM. SIGNED, THE BLONDE" SHE PINNED THE NOTE INSIDE THE LITTLE BOY'S JACKET AND TOLD HIM TO GO STRAIGHT HOME. THE NEXT MORNING, SHE RETURNED TO THE PARK TO FIND THE $10,000 IN A BROWN BAG, BEHIND THE BIG OAK TREE, JUST AS SHE HAD INSTRUCTED. INSIDE THE BAG WAS THE FOLLOWING NOTE... "HERE IS YOUR MONEY. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT ONE BLONDE WOULD DO THIS TO ANOTHER!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Blonde Reported For Her University Final Examination FINAL EXAM THE BLONDE REPORTED FOR HER UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMINATION THAT CONSISTS OF "YES/NO" TYPE QUESTIONS. SHE TAKES HER SEAT IN THE EXAMINATION HALL, STARES AT THE QUESTION PAPER FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND THEN IN A FIT OF INSPIRATION TAKES HER PURSE OUT, REMOVES A COIN AND STARTS TOSSING THE COIN AND MARKING THE ANSWER SHEET YES FOR HEADS AND NO FOR TAILS. WITHIN HALF AN HOUR SHE IS ALL DONE WHEREAS THE REST OF THE CLASS IS SWEATING IT OUT. DURING THE LAST FEW MINUTES, SHE IS SEEN DESPERATELY THROWING THE COIN, MUTTERING AND SWEATING. THE MODERATOR, ALARMED, APPROACHES HER AND ASKS WHAT IS GOING ON. "I FINISHED THE EXAM IN HALF AN HOUR. BUT I'M RECHECKING MY ANSWERS. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Blonde Was Shocked! The Blonde Was Shocked! The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and moaned, " I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do???? They send me a BLIND POLICEMAN." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Blonde Wife Picked Up The Phone A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband asked, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast was clear." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Pregnant Blonde The Pregnant Blonde The Pregnant Blonde My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Snowstorm The Snowstorm It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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