3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 7 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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John Fuzz The Preacher The Reverend John Fuzz... The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far, you may as well finish." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Nursing Home Sex Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old and wheelchair bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's penis, and they would watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds. She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?" He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman." "Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?" "We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied. "Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked. "Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old." "Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked. Bill smiled and said," Parkinson's disease." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Porno Movie Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a do got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Lust, Love, And Then Marriage LOVE, LUST AND MARRIAGE ----------------------------- This is not meant to be an affront against marriage. If you're married and some of this hits home, than it's a perfect time to spice up your life on Valentines Day. LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room. LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love." LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about? LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you argue over money. LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything. LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - What's a climax? LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi." LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch. LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks. LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings. LUST - When you couldn care less MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV. LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..." LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..." MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief. LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake. LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST - When your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties everytime you see them. LOVE - When nobody else matters. LUST - When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio. LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought. LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Male's Sex Life Origin Of A Man's Sex Life ---------------------------- It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Mirror Mirror __________________________________________________________________ A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it onher bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "mirror, mirror on the door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breast grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says"mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor". Again, there is a bright flash, and his legs fell off. __________________________________________________________________- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Mistresses ________________________ An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Aesop's Sexual Fable ONCE UPON A TIME AT A BEAUTIFUL LAKE THERE WAS THIS FLY FLYING OVER THE LAKE. A SALMON SEES THIS LITTLE FLY AND SAYS TO HIMSELF, "IF THAT FLY WAS TO DROP A HALF AN INCH LOWER, I’D BE ABLE TO JUMP UP AND EAT IT." AND AT THE EDGE OF THAT LAKE THERE WAS A BEAR AND THE BEAR SAID TO HIMSELF, "IF THAT FLY WAS TO DROP A HALF AN INCH LOWER, THE SALMON WILL JUMP UP AND EAT IT, THEN I COULD CATCH THE SALMON AND BE ABLE TO EAT TOO." JUST A COUPLE OF YARDS A WAY FROM THE BEAR WAS A HUNTER, AND THE HUNTER SAYS TO HIMSELF, "IF THAT FLY WAS TO DROP A HALF INCH LOWER, THE SALMON WILL JUMP UP AND EAT IT, THE BEAR WILL CATCH THE SALMON, I’LL SHOOT THE BEAR, THEN I’LL GET TO EAT MY SANDWICH IN MY POCKET." AND JUST A FEW FEET BEHIND THE HUNTER THERE WAS A LITTLE MOUSE, AND HE SAID TO HIMSELF, "IF THAT LITTLE FLY WAS TO DROP A HALF AN INCH THE SALMON WILL CATCH THE FLY, THE BEAR WILL CATCH THE SALMON, THE HUNTER WILL SHOOT THE BEAR THE SANDWICH WILL DROP FROM THE HUNTER’S POCKET AND I’LL GET TO EAT." WELL JUST BEHIND THE MOUSE WAS A CAT. AND THE CAT SAID TO HIMSELF, "IF THAT FLY WAS TO DROP A HALF AN INCH LOWER, THE SALMON WILL CATCH THE FLY, THE BEAR WILL CATCH THE SALMON, THE HUNTER WILL SHOOT THE BEAR, THE SANDWICH WILL DROP THE MOUSE WILL EAT THE SANDWICH, I’LL CATCH THE MOUSE AND I’LL BE ABLE TO EAT." ALL OF A SUDDEN THE FLY DROPS THE HALF AN INCH, SALMON JUMPS UP AND CATCHES THE FLY, THE BEAR CATCHES THE FISH, THE HUNTER PULLS THE TRIGGER, THE SANDWICH FALLS TO THE GROUND THE MOUSE STARTS AFTER THE SANDWICH, THE CAT STARTS RUNNING TO CATCH THE MOUSE AND TRIPS ON A ROCK. HE STARTS ROLLING DOWN PAST THE MOUSE, PAST THE HUNTER, PAST THE BEAR, AND LANDS IN TO THE LAKE. THE MORAL TO THE STORY IS: IT TAKES A LOT TO GET A PUSSY WET! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Why Motorcycles Are Beter Than Women Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. Motorcycles' curves never sag. Motorcycles last longer. Motorcycles don't get pregnant. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month. Motorcycles don't have parents. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks. If your Motorcycle is mis aligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles. Motorcycles don't care if you are late. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Male Vs Female "needs" Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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