3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 7 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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The Gender Gap In Dating A teenage granddaughter comes out for a date with this see through blouse on, and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit telling her not to dare go out like that...!!! The teenager tells her..."Loosen up Grandma...these are modern times - you gotta let your rosebuds show!!" And away she goes!! The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on!! The teenager wants to die, as she is explaining to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate...!! The grandmother says, "Sweetie, loosen up ..if you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!!! Peggy -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Genie Jokes --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...I'm only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish." Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real bitch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want." The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hhhmmm. Lemme see that map again." ============================================================================= The Confused Genie Two men are sitting next to each other in a bar drinking and making small talk. One of the men pulls a tiny grand piano out of his pocket and sets it on the bar. "Where did you get that tiny piano?" the first fellow asks. "There's this Genie lamp outside and all you have to do is rub it and ask the genie for whatever you want," the second guy replies. "Yeah right," the first says and continues drinking. After awhile the first man pulls a twelve inch fellow wearing a tuxedo out of his pocket. The little dude goes over and starts playing the piano perfectly. "That's amazing!" the first fellow yells, "where did you get that?" "I told you already," the second man replies, "there is this genie lamp outside. Go rub it and ask for whatever you want. The first man gets up and goes outside to where the lamp is. "I'm no fool," he thinks to himself, "I'm going to ask for a million dollars." He steps up to the lamp, rubs it, and out pops a genie. "What do you want, bub?" the genie asks. "I want a million bucks!" the man answers. "Your wish is granted," the genie responds and disappears. Suddenly the man hears a sound and looks up. Overhead are flying a flock of a million ducks. The man storms back into the bar and sits down in the same place. "I can't believe it!" he fumes, "you told me to ask for whatever I wanted and I would get it! I asked for a million bucks and all I got was a million ducks to fly over! What is the deal?" The second man looks at him and says, "Do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?" ============================================================================= The Genie In the Lamp This man is walking along a beach one day and finds an old lamp washed up on the shore. He takes it home and places it on the mantle, but doesn't give much thought. A few weeks later he looks at it and decides, what the heck, let's rub it and see what happens. Sure enough, a genie appears and immediately says, "Thank-you, master, for freeing me from the lamp. In repayment I offer you three wishes." The man thinks for a while and says, "I really don't know what to wish for." The genie replies, "Wish for lots of money, that's what most people want in life." The man replies, "No, I have enough money; I don't need more." The genie says, "How about travel? I can take you to the far corners of the world in an instant." The man replies, "No, I've been to many places and I like it here." The genie says, "How about your sex life? How often to you have sex?" "Oh, about two times a week," is the man's reply. "I can make your sex life much more active than that," says the genie. "Gee," says the man, "I thought twice a week was pretty good for a priest in a town this small." ============================================================================ Twice As Much Genie A guy is walking down the beach when he sees a cave. He goes inside and finds a lamp. So he says, "What the hell, I'll rub on it and see if a Genie pops out". So he rubs the lamp and, sure enough, out comes a genie. The Genie says "You have freed me from the lamp. You shall get three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets twice as much". "Okay," he says "I wish for a billion dollars". "Fine, but your mother-in-law gets two billion dollars," the Genie says. "I wish for a beach house," the guy says. "Fine, but your mother in law gets two beach houses". "That's okay", the guy replies, "because I wish to be beaten half to death". ============================================================================= The Woman, The Cat, And The Genie An old woman was sitting alone with her cat, polishing a dusty lamp she'd found in the attic, when a genie popped out and offered her three wishes. Thinking quickly, she said, "I'd like to be rich. I'd like to be young and beautiful again. And I'd like my cat to turn into a handsome prince." There was a puff of smoke, and she found herself young and glamorous, surrounded by riches. The cat had disappeared, and a gorgeous prince stood beside her, holding out his arms. She melted into his embrace. "Now," he whispered softly in her ear, "aren't you sorry you had me neutered?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Good News/bad News ******************************* Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied. Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "GongShow," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre." Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation. Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war. Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Good Excuses The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Grandma Three o'clock in the afternoon. The sun is shining. An average household. Mum, Dad and their six year-old kid. Kid: "Daddy, can I play play with Grandma?" Dad, lowering his newspaper: "No, Honey, not now." Five minutes later. Kid: "Daddy, may I see Grandma and play with her... Please?" Dad, eyes frowning: "Sweety, I said not now." Mum: "Come on, Darling. She hasn't seen her grandmother for a week." Dad, noisely putting down his newspaper, obviously minding getting up, shouting: "Okay! But that is the last time I'll exhume her!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Greeting Card Search At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No." A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?" "I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your penis' cards?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Gymnasium Diary For a gift this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. DAY 1. They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT! DAY 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT! DAY 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagon. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse. DAY 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Igor looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. DAY 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya, I don't *have* triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The tread mill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies? DAY 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel. DAY 7. Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist. Sorry, gotta go, a half-gallon of Butter Pecan is calling me. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Haircuts ----------------- A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop. Submitted by: Jack M. LaPedis @ earthlink.net \\|// (o o) ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----------------------------------------------- HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE? It's free! Just send a message to oracle-humor-subscribe@lyris.oraclehumor.com WHERE DO I SEND JOKES? jokes@oraclehumor.com WHERE'S THE WEBSITE? http://oraclehumor.com LEGAL STUFF: Wallaby Solutions runs this piece as submitted and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to it. The work was submitted to us as an item for the mailing list, and it was posted solely on the basis of its quality. If this is an administrative posting, then follow any copyright guidelines noted on the posting. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This message came to you via Lyris list server software. http://lyris.com To unsubscribe, forward this message to oracle-humor-unsubscribe@lyris.oraclehumor.com [poolboy@inna.net] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Halloween TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX: 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. ******************************************* -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Chicagoan Goes To Hell A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here," the man says, "no problem. I'm from Chicago." So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August." Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Chicago man replies..... "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!" "THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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