3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
101 Animals Jokes
This is page 7 of 11 pages displaying a total of 101 Animals jokes.
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Frog Again A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well", said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "50.00?? For a frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said " It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a hell of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he surely would enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through a cookbook. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Froggy Top ten signs you might be a frog. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you Bug lamps appear to you as a curse On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address Kermit is your idol You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times You live in fear that someday you will wind up in a child's aquarium France is the evil empire to you -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Frog Jokes From My Collection FROG JOKES FROM MY COLLECTION: Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them! Q: What happens when two frogs collide? A: They get tongue tied! Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? A: Unhoppy. Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? A: A rubbit! Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? A: He liked a good croak and dagger. Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired? A: It got toad!! Q: What's green green green green green? A: A frog rolling down a hill Q: What is a frog's favorite game? A: Croaket Q: What did the frog order at McDonald's? A: French flies and a diet Croak Q: Why did the frog say meow? A: He was learning a foreign language. Q: Why did the frog go to the hospital? A: He needed a "hopperation" ! Q: What is the thirstiest frog in the world? A: The one who drinks Canada Dry! Q: How deep can a frog go? A: Knee-deep Knee-deep! Q: What do stylish frogs wear? A: Jumpsuits! Q: What does a bankrupt frog say? A: "Baroke, baroke, baroke." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Gorilla A zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Dave, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Dave, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Dave to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla -- for five hundred bucks? Dave replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Dave announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Dave, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Greyhound One day Johnny walked into the class room, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.' So as Johnny's walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing, one gets so far ahead of the other one it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ass. Johnnys takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, says to himself, 'This is going to be my report.' The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny do you have your report done?' He says, 'Sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's ass.' The teacher says, 'Johnny: we don't use the word 'ass' in the classroom. It's "rectum."' Johnny said, 'Rectum hell. It damn near killed 'im.' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Happy Dog ____________________________________________ Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me." ______________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Horse And Chicken Parable A chicken and a horse were in a field together; the horse fell into a mud hole and couldn't get out. He called out to the chicken and said 'help, help go and get the farmer I can't get out and I'm sinking in further. The chicken runs up to the farm house and tries to get the farmer but he isn't around. Being a quick thinking chick, she ran and got the farmer's Mercedes and drove it to the mud hole. She then tied a rope to the tow hook and threw it to the horse and she pulled him out with the Mercedes. The horse was very grateful ! A week or so later the chicken fell into the very same mud hole. She called out to the horse and he came running she said 'Help! Go and get the farmer. I can't get out'. The horse then straddled over the mud hole and told the chick to hang on to the 'thingy' between his legs. She did and he managed to pull her out. The morale of the story . . . . You don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick . . . . you just need to be hung like horse !! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Insects Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rank. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Killer Mule One day, a farmer's mother-in-law came down to his farm. A few days later, she was killed when the mule on the farm kicked her. Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, some that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked, "Why are there so many people here?" The farmer answered, "Oh, they're not here for the funeral, they want to buy the mule." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Lion Taming Contest A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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