3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Cultural Jokes
This is page 7 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Cultural jokes.
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Info For Northerners Visiting The American South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles: 1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store. 3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive. 4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" 6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either. 7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. 8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. 9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here. 10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. 11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. 12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Irish Humor (several) God, Love The Irish Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister." "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all." Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!" "Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?" Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like thi...damn! There goes another one!" Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!" 'Tis a good thing, too-that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken. An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Irish Spy The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'" So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy." The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too." Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning." The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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In Japan Luke had been a relatively unsuccessful poor dirt farmer all of his life. After a string of particularly bad years, he finally decided to give up and get a real job. Having a limited education and no training, the only position he could find was on the production line at a new factory in the area. This particular company was wholly Japanese owned, controlled and managed. After Luke had been working for only a few months, the company held a contest for the production workers with a grand prize of a week's trip to Japan (all expenses paid) to meet the company's Chairman of the Board. Luke was diligent in his duties, worked hard, was always on time and never took any restroom breaks. Luke won the grand prize! There was one difficult aspect to Luke's trip - he spoke absolutely no Japanese. However, many Japanese spoke some English and Luke finally made it from Tokyo Airport to his hotel. In the evening a Geisha Girl showed up in Luke's room and he concluded that it might harm international relations if he did not perform some international "relations" and so he began to perform his best. He did his very best and concluded that the young lady was enjoying it for she began to shout "Bong Tsai! Bong Tsai!" and squirmed and bounced with great animation and briskness. He had no idea what "Bong Tsai" actually meant but figured it must be something good and so he continued to perform his best..... and she continued to shout "Bong Tsai!" The next day Luke was picked up by the CEO of US Operations for a golf game with the Chairman of the Board and his Vice-Chairman..... neither of whom spoke any English. The CEO acted as interpreter and the game proceeded pleasantly until the fourth hole. On this short par 3 the Chairman of the Board hit a beautiful shot which bounced twice and dropped right into the cup for a hole-in-one. The Japanese began to shout and yell many excited phrases which were, of course, meaningless to Luke. He knew he should say something but he knew no Japanese. And then he remembered the gleeful cries of the previous evening and began to shout "Bong Tsai! Bong Tsai!" because he assumed that was something good. A hush fell over the group. Everyone stared at Luke. The CEO of US Operations asked him in disbelief, "What do you mean wrong hole?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Japanese Student In An American School It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Japanese Proposal The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Japanese client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, "don't reject the guy outright." So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Japanese man pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Japanese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, Looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay,....... I cut. I cut." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Kuwaiti Women Journalism A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Hillbilly Wives BillyBob, Willie, and Rufus were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives. "You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, y'all know we ain't got no 'lectricity!" The other two just howl with laughter. Willie says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! And y'all know we ain't got no runnin' water!" That one nearly slayed 'em. Rufus wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'Tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers. -- Hell, she ain't got no dick!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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In Texas There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Italian Vacation A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?" The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?" "We're taking TWA," the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?" The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot." "That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?" The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." "HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!" A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!" "No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!" "Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described." "No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!" "Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!" "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?" "Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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