3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
77 Marriage Jokes
This is page 7 of 8 pages displaying a total of 77 Marriage jokes.
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The Mother-in-law Stopped Unexpectedly By The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law "This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked." said the mother-in-law "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy." said the daughter-in-law. " I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute." The daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally the pickup truck drove up the drive way and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it." he replied. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Rabbi's Advice The Rabbi's Advice An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. His wife demands sexual pleasure, so they decide to ask the rabbi for advice. The rabbi listens to their story and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love, have him wave a towel over you as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on a full blown orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm, and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: "THAT'S how you wave a towel!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Silent Treatment-wedded Bliss The Silent Treatment-Wedded Bliss A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am". The next morning the man awakened, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said... "It is 5:00 am. Wake up." See, it pays to be stubborn!!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Wedding Date Was Set And The Grooms Three Pals The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles. The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable. The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following: "Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the jerk that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Their Husbands Performance As A Lover Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands performance as a lover. The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slap me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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There Was A Married Deaf Couple There was a married deaf couple that wanted to have sex, but they could not communicate with each other when the lights went out. So the man said to the wife that when he wanted to have sex he would squeeze her right breast and when he didn't he would squeeze her left. He then went on and said that when she wanted to have sex to yank his penis once and if she didn't then to yank his penis 50 times. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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There Was An Old Married Couple That Had Lived Happily Together There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "blow his guts out." The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs before her flatulent husband awoke. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even! About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you" "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that I would end up blowing my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,... I think I got'em all back in!!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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There Was This Couple That Was Married For 20 Years There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doin it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him. How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself! The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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They're Finally Together They're Finally Together A young woman married and had 9 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. She again remarried and this time had 5 more children. This time when her husband died, she did too. In all, she left 21 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His wish that she, "Go forth and multiply." In his final remarks, the preacher intoned, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together." Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" The other mourner replied, "I think he means her legs." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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This Couple Had Only Been Married For Two Weeks. This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar.... you know...the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different horsd'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words cutie pie?... HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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