3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 7 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Inner Strength Inner Strength If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can do all these things ....... THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG.... -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Life's Little Truths: Life's Little Truths: 1. A woman needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 2. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you". Though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.. 3. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are. 4. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 5. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. 6. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter. 7. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it is, you know, funny. 8. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person. 9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right". 10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 12. Never marry a man you meet in a bar. 13. If he says you are too good for him--believe it. 14. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day? 15. At hard times I ask myself, "How do I feel? What do I want?" I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts. 16. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 17. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 18. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits. 19. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand. 20. Work is good but it's not important. 21. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man. And finally... 22. Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Lines To Painlessly End A Bad Date Lines To Painlessly End A Bad Date I can't legally use the ladies room until phase 3 of my sex change is complete. Oh my god! That's my husband on that Harley! (Scratching crotch) Those little critters sure are itchy. All the women in my family get really fat butts after 40. Guess my turn is just around the corner. One more year and I'll be old enough to apply for a driver's licence. Do you smell that? I think my colostomy bag is leaking again. A woman needs a good swat now and again. Can I borrow 50 bucks 'til my welfare check comes? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Men Bashing Men bashing What should you do if you see your 'ex' rolling around in pain on the ground? - --Shoot him again. How can you tell when a man is well-hung? - --When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? - --To stop the snoring before it starts. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? - --One; he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? - --Three; one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. What do you call a handcuffed man? - --Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? - --You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? - --His body. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? - --Big Foot's been spotted several times. Why do doctors slap babies' fannies right after they're born? - --To knock the penises off the smart ones. Why do little boys whine? - --Because they're practicing to be men. Why do men name their penises? - --Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? - --Because not one will stop and ask directions. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Men!!! MEN!!! 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (because they don't stop for directions) 3. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) 4. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS? (because they don't have penises to put them in) 5. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON? (they're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Money............... Money............... It can buy a House...............But not a Home It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep It can buy a Clock................But not Time It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge It can buy you a Position......But not Respect It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health It can buy you Blood............But not Life It can buy you Sex..............But not Love So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because........... I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.............. So please send me all your money......and I will suffer for you. CASH ONLY PLEASE -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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More 0ne-liners More 0ne-Liners 1. What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 2. Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary! 3. What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. 10. The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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More Words Of Wisdom More Words of Wisdom 1) Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. 2) I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me here. 3) Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving. 4) Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 5) I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected. (AMEN) 6) If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? 7) How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America? 8) If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. 9) I have learned there is little difference in wives, so you might as well keep the first. 10) There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 11) Travel is very educational. I can now say 'Kaopectate' in seven different languages. 12) I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 13) Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 14) No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning. 15) Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 16) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 17) Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 18) I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King. 19) I just got back from a pleasure trip... I drove my wife to the airport! 20) My wife and I were happy for twenty years ... then we met. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Newspaper Headlines In The Year 2035 Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035 Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon) Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper. Texas executes last remaining citizen. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Nouns By Gender Nouns By Gender From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions: SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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