3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 7 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Men In Heaven Men in Heaven Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says... "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that ruled their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and the men had formed two lines. The line of the men that were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men that ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said... "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied..."I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Missing Rooster Missing Rooster The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing, and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At mass he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock"?-----all the men stood up. "No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"----all the women stood up. "NO NO" he said "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"-----half the women stood up. "NO NO" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"----all the nuns stood up. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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New Priest New Priest Two priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger, "You know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas were going to work." "When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats, I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea." "Then, when you wanted to "jazz" up the choir and we started singing newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now, we have a lot of new, younger choir members, and the music seems to pick up the services a lot more than the old music. So, once again I have to agree that you were right!" "But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to admit I thought you'd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people coming to confession than ever. I think you've come up with another good idea." "However, the neon sign out front that says, 'Toot 'n tell or go to hell', has got to go! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Norton Was An Exceptional Golfer As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Old And New Testaments. This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i. e., incorrect spelling has been left in.) Enjoy! 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. 5. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 6. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 7. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. 8. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 9. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 10. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 11. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar, he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 12. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 13. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the MagnaCarta. 14. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. 15. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 16. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before "" 17. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance 18. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 19. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 20. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 21. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Old Or New --discussed N The Bible A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Ole Was The Only Lutt'ran When Ole moved up north he discovered that he was the only Lutt'ran in his new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a problem with his barbecuing venison every Friday. Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole, eventually persuading him to join their church. The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutt'ran, you were raised a Lutt'ran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "Now you're Catholic!" Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy, but the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was once again that aroma of grilled deer steaks coming from Ole's yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying: "You were born a whitetail, you were raised a whitetail, and now," he said as he sprinkled seasoning salt over the choice tenderloin cut, "now you're a walleye!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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One Sunday Morning, One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Peanuts Peanuts The local Pastor was visiting the home of Sister Jones to comfort her after the recent loss of her husband. "Come in Pastor." Stated Sister Jones. "Have a seat on the sofa." Sitting on the sofa, the Pastor eyed a dish of peanuts setting on the coffee table. He took a few of the peanuts and began to eat them. After ten minutes he noticed that he had eaten nearly all the peanuts. "Why Sister Jones," said the Pastor, "It appears that I have eaten almost all your peanuts." "That's okay Pastor." replied Sister Jones. "Now that I have lost all my teeth I only get to suck the chocolate off!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Quite A Find !!! Quite A Find !!! A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old LEAF that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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