3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Computers Jokes
This is page 7 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Computers jokes.
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Microsoft Tv Dinners Microsoft TV Dinner Instructions... *********************************************** You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Ms Wife ****************************************************** Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin? Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself. The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be. And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now...." ****************************************************** -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Microsoft Advertisement Where do you want to go today? Straight to hell, apparently. The other day I saw another Microsoft commercial on TV: sublime choral music drifts through the background as the unseen user surfs through the Internet and various Microsoft content using Internet Explorer. The commercial closes with the Microsoft slogan "Where do you want to go today?" and a final, furious blast of music. It's a very cool effect. But if you dig a little deeper... As it turns out, the background music is the Dies Irae of Mozart's Requiem Mass. And the words of the final blast of music which accompanies "Where do you want to go today?" are actually "confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis..." In English: "When the damned are confounded, and consigned to sharp flames..."; which describes exactly where I want to go today. Unfortunately, while Explorer will take you to hell for free, the upgrade to purgatory is pretty steep. \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo--------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Nerd Control A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Programmer's Hell A tech writer dies and arrives in Hell, where Satan growls, "I gotta escort these other sinners into the pit, lady. Take a seat and wait a minute!" Terrified, the tech writer peeks behind a door and sees a tech writer agonizingly formatting 12 million lines of documentation on a flaming IBM XT computer. Aghast, she peeks behind a second door and sees a tech writer writing 23 million manuals on a mountain of screen captures written by a shrill, egomaniacal programmer who shrieks at every line. In despair, she looks behind a third door and sees another tech writer like herself, chairing a never-ending meeting, munching bonbons, surrounded by fresh-faced admiring engineers offering her gifts of flowers, fresh fruit and fine wines and telling her she's a documentation genius. He returns and asks, "Well, which door, 1 or 2?" The tech writer says, "I'd like Door 3, please." "You can't have Door 3...That's Engineer Hell." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Computers Are Female Subject: Top five Reasons Computers Must Be Female. 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Red Neck Computers 10 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Bubba". 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU. 3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is... 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Beta Revision Codes Revision codes Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify. 1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or"barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy. 1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ... 1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too. 2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it. 2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs. 2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused! 2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!! 3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this. 3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things. 4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ... 4.1: Just one or two bugs this time... Honest! 5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this. 6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major up grade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number. 6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Are You An Engineer? ~~~ Are you an Engineer? ~~~ THE TEST First, let's establish: Are you a geek-at-heart? What answer to the following question do you feel most inclined to: You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames thewhole stupid thing on "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: * Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation * Important social contacts * A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: * Get it over with as soon as possible. * Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. * Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no private parts or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. LOVE OF "STAR TREK" Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even mating with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real social life of an engineer. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before they start dating. Male engineers reach their peak of physical attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible to male engineers at the age of consent and remain that way until, oh, about their clinical death. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. * Corvair. The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: * RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. * REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than anything else. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. __________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Are You A Network Engineer? You Might Be An Network Engineer if... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- - At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights. - Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma. - Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room. - In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. - The salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions. - You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. - You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday. - You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. - You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting. - You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. - You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects. - You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. - You have more friends on the internet than in real life. - You know what http:// stands for. - You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys. - You see a good design and still have to change it. - You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. - You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it. - You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep. - You window shop at Radio Shack. - You're both in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite. - Your laptop computer costs more than your car. - Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. - You've already calculated how much you make per second. - You've have tried to repair a $5 radio. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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