3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 8 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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Psychiatric Obsession A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!! Four people having sex!!!!". Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex." Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Peep Show There was this guy who wanted to get laid but he only had $5, so he went to a whorehouse and asked the madam if she had anything for $5. So the madam said yeah, 2nd door on the left... So the guy goes in the room and there's a chicken in there.Well, he's really horny so he fucks the chicken. The next day he goes back with $15, and asks the madam what he can get...so the madam says third door on the left. So the dude goes up and sees 2 holes in the wall...with another guy at the second hole. So he goes and looks in the hole and sees 2 dykes goin at it. He looks at the other guy and asks what he thinks. The guy answers "It's good...but yesterday there was a guy in there fuckin a chicken. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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An Older Couple _____________________________________________________________ An older couple goes to a doctor's office and ask him to watch them have sex. Although he considers it a rather bizarre request, the doctor agrees and watches them have sex. After it was over, the doctor tells them he noted nothing abnormal. The couple thanked him while dressing and paid the receptionist for the visit. Every week for three weeks, the couple returned with the same request, which the doctor obliged. However, by the last visit, the doctor asked the couple what the deal was. The old man explained, "Well, my kids still live at my place so we can't go there. She has grandchildren at her place so we can't go there. A hotel room costs $40 and you only charge us $35 and Medicare picks up 80 percent of that." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Real Parents One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away, and her name is Susan." After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Heh heh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not your father." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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With A Minor? A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. The police officer walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up and obligingly cranked down the car window. The boyish looking driver said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what's she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "And how old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man replied after glancing at his watch, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pepsi Versus Coke An airplane with a shipment of Pepsi was flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction, and went down in the jungle. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage, but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief goes, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you......you know ...eat their.............'things'? " The chief says, "No." No?" asked the rescuers. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS" go better with Coke. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Personal Ad Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed." Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" she asked. He said, "I am the man of your dreams!" She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me." "I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you." "But are you good in bed?", she asked. He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Real Personal Ads? A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds CODE WORD........ IN REALITY IT MEANS..... 40-ish 48 Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will Affectionate Possessive Artist Unreliable Athletic Flat chested Average looking Ugly Beautiful Pathological liar Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now! Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin Educated College dropout Emotionally Secure Medicated Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home Enjoys art and opera Snob Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian Feminist Fat; ball buster Financially Secure One paycheck from the street Free spirit Substance user Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun Annoying Gentle Comatose Good Listener Borderline Autistic Humorous Caustic Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills Light drinker Lush Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light Loves Travel If you're paying Loves Animals Cat lady Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last the boyfriend did New-Age All body hair, all the time Non-traditional Ex-husband lives in the basement Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded Desperate Outgoing Loud Passionate Loud Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins Poet Depressive Schizophrenic Professional Bitch Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle Reliable Frumpy Reubenesque Grossly Fat Romantic Looks better by candle light Self-employed Jobless Smart Insipid Special Rode the short schoolbus Spiritual Involved with a cult Stable Boring Tall, thin Anorexic Tan Wrinkled Voluptuous Very Fat Weight proportional to Hugely Fat height Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking Widow Nagged first husband to death Writer Pompous Young at heart Toothless crone A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS "MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds CODE WORD........ IN REALITY IT MEANS..... 40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back Distinguished-looking Fat, grey, and balding Educated Will always treat you like an idiot Employed On management track at Radio Shack Financially Secure I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life. Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity Fun Good with a remote and a six pack Good Looking Arrogant bastard Honest Pathological Liar Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador retriever Light drinker Headed for AA Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent Like romantic walks on the beach I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear Mature Until you get to know him Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself Poet Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated Professional Owns a white button down Reliable Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours Self-employed Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend Sensitive Needy Smart Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV" Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out Young at heart Pedophile -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Running A Marathon In The Rain Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside, he found himself in the middle of a marathon race. So, he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." The other runner then asked the nude man: "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly: "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pick Up Lines That Work 1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the person of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. 3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."] 4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear. 5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? 6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. 7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. 8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night? 9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. 10. My name's [insert name]. That's so you know what to scream. 11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover." 12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck? 13. Can I flirt with you? 14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. 15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size. 16. All those curves, and me with no brakes. 17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me? 19. I like every bone in your body, especially mine. 20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? 21. Is it hot in here or is it just you? 22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. 23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. 24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? 25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. 26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me? 27. So... How am I doin'? 28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? 29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg. 30. The first time is always the hardest. 31. Excuse me, are you on the pill? 32. Hi there. Do you swallow? 33. Wow! Are those real? 34. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks? 35. Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it? 36. Wanna fuck like bunnies? 37. Bond. James Bond. 38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. 39. Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. 40. Sex is a killer...want to die happy? 41. I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included. 42. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? 43. So, do you wanna see something really swell? 44. I had sex with someone last night. Was that you? 45. Do you take it up the ass? 46. Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 47. Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you? Uh...no.... Well, do you want some? 48. What would you do if I kissed you right now? 49. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? 50. Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers? (holding up any two) Obvious reply: No, why Because they're mine. 51. I'm drunk. 52. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? 53. I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! 54. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. 55. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? 56. Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here. 57. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across. 58. Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I? 59. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you? 60. Pull my finger. 61. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight between us. 62. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 63. Do you wanna go out for a pizza and a fuck? What, don't you like pizza? 64. Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays? 65. (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. 66. Your underwear must be made out of Windex, because I can see myself in them tonight. 67. They say love is a many splendored thing. Let's make some and find out... 68. Hi. I go down on the first date...how about you? 69. Hi, what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this? 70. To a woman: Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside? 71. Do you like apples? [Yes] How 'bout I take ya home and fuck the shit out of ya, how'd ya like dem apples? 72. Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize? 73. Hi! Can I buy you a car? 74. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? 75. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished. 76. Will you marry me and have my children? (unfortunate side-effects: beware!) 77. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. 78. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch! 79. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo. 80. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy? 81. Hey let's play house, you be the door and I'll slam you. 82. You know, your eyes would go great with my bedspread 83. Are you looking for Mr Right? Or Mr RightNow? 84. Would you like fries with that? 85. Chicks dig me, I wear colored underwear! 86. If I bought you lingerie for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me? 87. Hi, I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced nipples. 88. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing? 89. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you. 90. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers. 91. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you. 92. I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours? 93. How did you acheive such a gaudy effect with only Avon cosmetics? 94. Do you beleive in one night stands? 95. With one touch I can make you make noise only dogs can hear! 96. Hello Susie, your mummy couldn't make it this afternoon. She asked me to pick you up and take you home. My that's a pretty dress... 97. I'm leaving this place - want to Cum? 98. Free mammograms, get your free mammograms here! Get them while they're hot! 99. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a manfriend, come and talk to me! 100.Is it cold outside, or are you just smuggling tic-tacs? 101.Ever played leap frog naked? 102.I'll bet you ten bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30 seconds. 103.Sit on my face and let me get to nose you better! 104.Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?" 105.I'm single! 106.I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck? 107.I'm really sorry about Bob. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice back rub. Are the straps too tight darling? How very, very tragic. 108.What winks and fucks like a tiger? (said while winking) 109.Yo. You'll do... 110.Excuse me, I think I dropped my congressional medal of honor under your chair. 111.You know what they say about beauty...it protects against all evil. Well, with you I feel really safe! 112.Excuse me, this is the non-smoking section and you happen to be on fire! 113.I don't want to be alone when I go to bed tonight, but I do when I wake up 114.Are those moon pants you have on? [No, why?] Because your ass is out of this world. 115.Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. 116.I was sitting here holding my cigarette when I realised I'd rather be holding you. 117.I feel like Richard Gere, standing here next to you, the Pretty Woman. 118.You're ugly, but you interest me. 119.I didn't know angels flew so low. 20.Say, do you believe in the hereafter? (Yes) Well, then, maybe you'll give me what I'm here after. 121.I have a golden bikini. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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