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A Chicagoan Goes To Hell


A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he

gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him.

The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty

uncomfortable down here," the man says,

"no problem. I'm from Chicago."



So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns

the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to

80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see

how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man

is doing just fine.



"No problem...just like Chicago in June," the

man says.



So the devil goes back over to the thermostat,

and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity

up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the

Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a

little, but overall looks comfortable.



"No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the

man says.



So now the devil goes over to the thermostat,

turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up

to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is

doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken

his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.



He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August."



Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back

to the thermostat, and turns the temperature to MINUS

150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air

freezes up, and the whole place becomes a frigid,

barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he

goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he

is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down,

and cheering in obvious delight.



The devil immediately asks the man what's going on.

To which the Chicago man replies.....



"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"

"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Kid's Questions


~~~ The world is your classroom! ~~~
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours

out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world

around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"



The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't

rightly know, son."



The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to

his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"



Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."



A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky

blue?"



Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."



Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do

you mind my asking you all of these questions?"



"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll

never learn anything!"



********************************************************************

HOW DID I GET HERE?



A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here,

Mommy?"



Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."



"And did God send you too, Mommy?"



"Yes, Dear, He did."



"And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little

girl?



Again the answer was "yes."



The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me

there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?...... No wonder

everyone is so cranky!"

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Honest Golfing Buddies

~~~ Geeeez, who can you trust these days?!? ~~~
Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers

Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least

for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney

agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is

ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.



"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball

carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket

and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces

triumphantly.



Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been

friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"



"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right

here!"



"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you

know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
The Insurance Policy


Rob's's Flower Shop burned down and his wife, Susan, called the

insurance company.



Susan told the insurance company, "We had that shop

insured for 200 thousand and I want my money."



The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan.

Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the

value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of

comparable worth."



There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like

to cancel the policy on my husband."

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Joggers Who Do Good Deeds


A man had been driving all night and by morning was

still far from his destination. He decided to stop at

the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so

he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would

have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on

one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had

he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking

on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running

in place.



"Yes?"



"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the

time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered,

"8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man

settled back again, and was just dozing off when

there was another knock on the window and another

jogger.



"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"



"8:25!"



The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could

see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a

matter of time before another one disturbed him. To

avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put

a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing

off when there was another knock on the window.



"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."




      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Latex Factory Problems


A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various

latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine

that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a

loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being

injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping

sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the

nipple."



Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where

condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss.

Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking

the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but

what's that 'pop' every so often?"



"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple

machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth

condom."



"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"



"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Last Wishes


Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each

allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy

their time while incarcerated.



On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did

you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints

and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.

He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".



Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"



The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned

and said,



"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin,

and any number of games."



The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to

himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you

so smug? What did you bring?"



The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said

"I brought these."



The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with

those?"



He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according

to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, skating....

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Married Life




A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He

would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit

some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most

husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day

the toilet stopped up.



When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is

clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like?

The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage

disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very

nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for

me?"



Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr.Plumber?" The next

day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home,

she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running.

Would you check on it?" Again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look

like? The Maytag repairman?"



Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three

repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When

her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey,they

all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with

them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She

smiled."What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"






      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
A Math Quiz



The Math Quiz



1. TRADITIONAL MATH (1960)



A Logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is

4/5 of the price; in other words, $80. What is his profit?





2. NEW MATH (1970)



A Logger exchanges set L of lumber for set M of money. The cardinality of set

M is 100 and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the

elements of set M. The set C of costs contains 20 fewer points than set M.

Represent set C as a subset of set M, and answer the following question:

What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?





3. GENERAL MATH CONCEPTS (1980) (NEA FINGERS IN THE PIE)



A Logger sell a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80

and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number

20.





4. OUTCOME-BASED EDUCATION (1990) (GOALS 2000?)





By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you

think of making a living this way? Topic for discussion: How did the forest

birds and squirrels feel?

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Mcdonald's Y2k Equivelent


EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GigaBurg BUG



- Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our

beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.



As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the

number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number

now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB).

Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to

100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago,

when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers

seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two

decimal places.



This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger,

McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This,

experts predict, will convince the public that, in over

thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact

been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer

confidence in McDonald's products.



The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost

certain to force the already-troubled company into

bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American

economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the

total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization

as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.



"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared

of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm

digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN

INSECTS and heading for the hills."




      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)

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