3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
101 Animals Jokes
This is page 8 of 11 pages displaying a total of 101 Animals jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-11 NEXT >>
|
Little Red Riding Hood Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, and this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf," taunts Little red Riding Hood. With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you fuck off? I'm trying to take a shit!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Lisping Dwarf A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?" "Sure", says the farmer,"come on in." The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth." The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes. "Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth." Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nith earth, nith earth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth." The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy. Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. her twat, I want to see her twat!" The farmer, infuriated, pick up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!" The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase that... I'd like to thee her gallop!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Moles There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses." \\|// (o o) ~~~~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Monkeys ****************************************************************** A tourist walks into a pet shop in Redmond, WA and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says "That was a very expensive monkey - most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looks at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff." The tourist looks around for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage of its own; The price tag around its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a contractor." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
A Mouse And A Giraffe Meet In A Bar..... "It Was A Tall Task...." A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. "Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!" "Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion. So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. The next day, the lion is in the bar and the mouse staggers in. The mouse is absolutely ragged, worn out, ruined. The lion helps his pal up onto a stool, pours a drink down his throat and asks, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe. What happened after that? Was she all right?" The mouse says, "Yeah, she was really something else! She invited me back to her place to spend the night." "But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion. "Well", says the mouse, "Between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
My Dog Knows Karate There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed. The couple decided to get a guard dog. So one day the wife went to the pet store and said 'I need a good guard dog.' And the clerk replied 'Sorry, we're all sold out, all we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.' The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, 'Karate that chair.' The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog 'Karate that table.' The dog went up to the table and broke it in half. So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her huspand that it knew karate, and he said 'Karate my ass!' And to this very day he is still in the hospital. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
A Peacock In Full Plumage It was little Harry's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him. Late one evening he caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard, feathers spread beautifully in all its glory. Rushing indoors excitedly, Harry called out for his grandma. . . ."Oh, Granny, come see! Come see!" he exclaimed. "One of your chickens is in bloom!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
A Penguin's Car Breaks Down It was this really hot day and this penguin was having car trouble, so he took it into a garage. The penguin asks, 'How long will it be?' The mechanic says,' Just a few minutes.' So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, 'So, how's my car?' The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, 'Looks like you blew a seal.' The penguin says, 'No, No, NO, I was just eating ice cream.' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Pet Parrot A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating anymore and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happens into specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my penis, dummy." The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The Parrot says, "Yes, thank you... I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish." The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot replies, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots, you know. If you offer the proprietor $2 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. Every day when he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so. But then one day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door." The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says, "Oh, just a momentary flight of passion." The parrot says, "Then he fondled her Breasts. The guy says, "He did?" "Yep, "says the parrot. "Then he took off her negligee and started sucking on her breasts." The guy exclaims, "My Gosh, what happened next???" The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Praying Parrots A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-11 NEXT >>
