3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Cultural Jokes
This is page 8 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Cultural jokes.
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Leroy In School Leroy is an 18 year old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system......................One day Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what Leroy did. 1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody. 2. RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both. 3. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house. 4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORCLOSE. 5. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that CATACOMB. 6. PENIS - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS. 7. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL. 8. UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE. 9. TRIPOLI - I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI. 10. STAIN - My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner agai 11. SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM. 12. ODYSSEY - I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe. 13. HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school. 14. INCOME - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife. 15. HONOR - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first? 16. FORTIFY - I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY. Leroy got an A. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Lunch THERE WERE THREE MEN: AN ITALIAN, A MEXICAN, AND A POLISH GUY who WORKED ON A HIGHRISE AND EVERYDAY THEY WOULD HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER. THE ITALIAN OPENS HIS LUNCHBOX AND SAYS, "MAN IF MY WIFE GIVES ME ANOTHER ITALIAN SAUSAGE SANDWICH, I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF." THE MEXICAN OPENS HIS AND SAYS, "GEES, IF MY WIFE GIVE ME ANOTHER BURRITO, I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF." SO NOW THE POLISH GUY OPENS HIS LINCHBOX AND SAYS, "IF MY WIFE GIVES ME ANOTHER POLISH SAUCAGE SANDWICH, I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" AND THE NEXT DAY CAME, AND THERE WERE THE THREE MEN SITTING TOGETHER FOR LUNCH. THE ITALIAN OPENS UP HIS BOX AND SEES ANOTHER ITALIAN SAUSAGE SANDWICH, AND JUMPS TO HIS DEATH. THE MEXICAN OPENS HIS AND DOES THE SAME. THE POLISH OPENS HIS AND HE TOO, JUMPS TO HIS DEATH. A FEW DAYS PASS AND THE WIVES ARE AT THE FUNERAL, THE ITALIAN WIFE SOBS, "WELL MY HUSBAND SAID IF I GAVE HIM ANOTHER ITALIAN SAUCAGE SANDWICH HE WOULD KILL HIM SELF." THE MEXICAN WIFES SAYS IN TEARS, "MY HUSBAND SAID THAT IF I GAVE HIM ANOTHER BURRITO, HE WOULD KILL HIMSELF." AND THE POLISH WIFE, SITTING THERE IN AMAZEMENT SAYS, "HELL, HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Evolving Laguages European Directive 15643/97 Common European Language. The European Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the 'preferred language' for European Communications rather than German, which was the other option. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan for what will be known as 'EuroEnglish' (Abbreviated to Euro). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replaced by "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one key less. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by the letter "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplicated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of "double" letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they should go. In the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing the leters "th" with "z" and "w" wiz "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After the fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls of difikultis and evri vun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Nationality Pride List Top Ten Reasons for being French: -=-=-=-=-= 1. By speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 2. You have yet to experience the joy of winning the World Cup. 3. You get to eat snails and frogs' legs. 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early. 5. You don't need to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel Four. 6. You can test your nuclear weapons in other peoples' countries. 7. You can be ugly and still be a famous film star. 8. You can allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street. 9. You don't need proper toilets: just shit in the street. 10.People think you're a great lover, even when you're not. Top Ten Reasons for being American: -=-=-=-=-= 1. You can have a female President, even though you didn't elect her. 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it. 3. You can call Budweiser beer. 4. You can be a crook and still be President. 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything. 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun. 7. You get to be really obese. 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes imaginable and no-one minds. 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy". 10.You can believe you're the greatest nation on Earth. Top Ten Reasons for being English: -=-=-=-=-= 1. Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo dah, doo dah. 2. You get to drink warm flat beer. 3. You can confuse everyone with the rules of cricket. 4. You get plenty of practice in graciously accepting defeat in major sporting events. 5. Union Jack underpants. 6. You can guarantee a water shortage every summer. 7. You can live in the past and imagine you're still a world power. 8. You can bath once a week, need it or not. 9. Ditto changing underwear. 10.It beats being Welsh or Scottish. Top Ten reasons for being Italian: -=-=-=-=-= 1. You have an in-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes. 2. You're unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. You don't need to worry about paying tax. 4. Your glorious military history. (Prior to 400 A.D.) 5. You can wear sunglasses indoors. 6. Your nation's political stability. 7. Flexible working hours. 8. You get to live near the Pope. 9. You can spend hours braiding your girlfriend's armpit hair. 10. It's a country run by Sicilian murderers. Top Ten Reasons for being Spanish: -=-=-=-=-= 1. You have a glorious history of killing South American tribes. 2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa starts at the Pyrenees. 3. You get your beaches invaded by Brits, Danes, Germans, etc. 4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans. 5. Everyone else makes crap paella. 6. Your inveterate honesty. 7. The only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and prance about in front of a bull. 8. You get to eat bulls' testicles. 9. You supported Argentina during the Falklands War. 10.Gibraltar. Top Ten Reasons for being German: -=-=-=-=-= 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. (see reason #1) Top Ten Reasons for being Indian: -=-=-=-=-= 1. Chicken Madras. 2. Lamb Passanda. 3. Onion Bhajee. 4. Bombay Duck. 5. Chicken Tikka Massala. 6. Rogan Josh. 7. Poppadoms. 8. Chicken Dupiaza. 9. Meat Bhoona. 10.Kingfisher lager. Top Ten Reasons for being Welsh: -=-=-=-=-= 1. You've got to laugh, doesn't it? Top Ten Reasons for being Irish: -=-=-=-=-= 1. Guinness. 2. You can have 18 children because you can't use contraceptives. 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road. 4. You can use Papal Edicts on contraception passed in the Second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't wear a condom. 5. The pubs never close. 6. No-one can ever remember the night before. 7. You can kill people who disagree with your political opinion. 8. Stew. 9. More Guinness. 10.You can eat Irish stew and drink Guinness in a pub at 3am after a bout of sectarian violence. Top Ten Reasons for being Canadian: 1. It beats hell out of being American. 2. Canada is the only country ever to invade the USA and burn its capital to the ground. 3. You can play ice hockey outdoors all year round. 4. Canada is the only country ever to invade the USA and burn its capital to the ground. 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles on fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity increases. 7. Canada is the only country ever to invade the USA and burn itscapital to the ground. 8. You can kill grizzly bears with a huge fuckoff shotgun and decorate your house with their skins. 9. The Own-An-Eskimo scheme. 10.Canada is the only country ever to invade the USA and burn its capital to the ground. Top Ten Reasons for being Australian: 1. You know that your great-great grandad was a murdering bastard who no civilised nation wanted. 2. Fosters lager. 3. You can dispossess Aborigines who lived in their country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you. 4. You can annihilate England at cricket. 5. Your tact and sensitivity. 6. Bondi Beach. 7. Other beaches. 8. Your liberated attitude to homosexuality. 9. You can drink cold lager on the beach. 10.You can have a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach. Top Ten Reasons for being Israeli: 1. Jews 2. Jews 3. Jews 4. Jews 5. Jews 6. Jews 7. Jews 8. Jews 9. Jews 10.Jews -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New York, New York "Central Park Incident" Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. "What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Cowboys fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet." **************************************** "New York City Poll" A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?" The New Yorker replied, "What is 'excuse me'?" ******************************************* -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Norwegian Door Prizes --------------- Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meeting as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they didn't win a prize in the monthly drawing. That is until the last meeting. Sven was the first one of the three to get his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles, and three pounds of Swedish meatballs. Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, a nights stay at the Dew Drop Inn and a pair of tickets to see the Inger triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven. Lars was the last one to have his name drawn, he won a toilet brush. At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven said "Uff da, I had dat pasghetti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't have to buy food for them dere tree days." Ole said "Lena was so happy vhen I brought home dem tickets. The trip up to Duluth was nice, we got to ride da Greyhound, and you know, they got a built in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger Triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey were sisters." Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looks at them both and says "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Olympic Torch Schedule What REALLY happened as the Torch made its way through DC: 3:15 Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol 3:30 Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole. 5:00 One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch. 5:15 Torch enters Northeast Washington 5:16 First recorded case of "Torch-jacking" occurs. 6:00 After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop and repurchased for $25 6:15 Torch arrives at city hall. Crowd is dismayed when Marion Barry uses it to light his crack pipe. 6:20 Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to take the torch to the country for "spiritual renewal". 6:30 Torch heads into Northwest Washington 6:35 Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole. 6:45 Torch is recovered (runner is never found). 6:55 Torch arrives at Dupont Circle. Residents are proud to have such a high profile "flame" in their area. 7:00 Torch runner attempts to hand off flame to NBA star Juwan Howard. 7:01 David Falk stops the transaction, demanding $9 million over two years for Howard's effort. 7:21 Torch arrives at White House. 7:22 FBI files on Torch arrive at White House. 7:23 Hillary fires Torch, citing "gross mismanagement and bad record keeping". 7:24 "Torchgate" hearings begin on Capitol Hill. 7:30 Torch leaves White House, heads across the Mall. 7:32 Torch runner is knocked unconscious by long pop-fly hit by "With Ourselves" star, John Mechem 7:35 Torch is handed to Republican Presidential candidate, Pat Buchanan. 7:36 Series of mysterious fires at black churches begins along Torch route. 8:00 Torch heads for Virginia. 8:15 Crossing the 14th Street Bridge, Torch is accidentally dropped into Potomac -- entire surface of river immediately ignites. 8:45 After being recovered by ValuJet divers, Torch enters Virginia. Upon crossing state line, runner is immediately assessed a personal property tax on torch. 8:47 Runner attempts to hand torch to Virginia Senator John Warner. Warner refuses, saying he cannot, in good conscience, support this torch. 9:00 Torch is retired for the evening. USOC vows never to set foot in the D.C. area again. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Polish Chicken Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they don't give up. They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too. They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results. A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: "Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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International Roulette The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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