3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
200 Bar Jokes
This is page 8 of 20 pages displaying a total of 200 Bar jokes.
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Barmen Prayer Barmen Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we will forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager. For ever and ever. Barmen. |
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3 Little Pigs Bar Joke 3 little pigs Bar Joke The first little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bartender said "OK". Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bartender said straight ahead. Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bartender said "OK". Then the little pig said "Can I use your toilet?" and the bartender said straight ahead. The third little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bartender said "OK". Then the Bar man said "I suppose you want to use the toilet", but the third little pig said "No, I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home". |
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Bears in Bars Joke Bears in Bars Joke There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?" The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his paws and says "I'm a bear!!" |
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The Seven Dwarves and The Pope go into a Bar Joke The Seven Dwarves and The Pope go into a Bar Joke The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?". "No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not". "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin." |
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A chicken walks into a bar Joke A chicken walks into a bar Joke A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink." |
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Monkey in the bar joke The monkey in the bar joke A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey. The man asks the bartender, who owns the monkey. The barman says, "the piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "Nope, but if you hum it, I'll play it for you." |
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THE SINGING BULLFROG Bar Joke THE SINGING BULLFROG A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." |
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The 2 Wishes Bar Joke TWO WISHES A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," The ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs." |
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Two Hunters Walk into a bar These two hunters enter the bar every day, the first one always carries the skin of an bear, the other one always empty handed. So the second one goes up to the first hunter and asks him how he gets to shoot a bear every day. "Well, that's easy", he replies," I just go over to one of those holes in the mountain, stand in front of it and shout; 'Yo, fat f***** cu** of a bear, get your stinking a** out off this hole!' as loud as I can, then the bear gets out and I shoot the it. Easy as that." "O.K." the other one says, "I'll remember that". So the next day the first hunter comes into the bar with his skin and orders a beer. About ten minutes later the second one crawls in, covered in blood, missing an leg, and is generally a mess. So the bartender yells "What the happened to you man?!" "Aargh", " I did what my buddy told me to do, I went to a hole, started shouting and swearing at that bear and guess what happened?" "What?" "A train came out." |
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The Duck The Duck A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender "if you give me a free bottle of beer I'll show you my dancing duck". The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if he's doing an Irish jig. Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck. So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar. The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, "Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?" The man replies, "Oh that's easy, you just take the hot coals out." |
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