3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
77 Marriage Jokes
This is page 8 of 8 pages displaying a total of 77 Marriage jokes.
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This Guy Was Sound Asleep On A Rainy Wet This guy was sound asleep on a rainy wet night and aroused from his sleep by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. His wife says, "Answer the door!" So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door.The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!" The guy says, "It's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door & goes back to bed. His wife says, "What was that all about?" The guy says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to go out in the rain at this hour!" The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. The guy was nowhere to be seen. He hollered, "Hey buddy, do you still need a push?" Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push." The guy says, "Where are you?" The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Togetherness Togetherness Mary married Barry and they had sex 5 times a day, 5 days a week for 5 years, then Barry died. Mary buried Barry, than Mary married Gary. They had sex 6 times day, 6 days a week for 6 years, than Gary died. Mary buried Gary and then Mary married Larry. Mary and Larry had sex 7 times a day, 7 days a week for 7 years before Larry died. Mary buried Larry, then Mary died. Mary's sister Sherry and her friend Terry were at the funeral home looking down at Mary when Terry said, "At least they're together again." "Do you mean Mary and Barry, Mary and Gary, or Mary and Larry?" asked Sherry. Terry replied, "No, I mean her legs!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Two Italian Virgins Get Married Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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What Food Causes The Most Grief What food causes the most grief A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, " Wedding cake." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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What's In The Bag? What's in the bag? A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", asks the Indian. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife", says the salesman. The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Why Men Are Not Secretaries ..... WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES ..... Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife: "Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Youn's Know The Tune - Sing Along! Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies Youn's know the tune - sing along! Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone. It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts. Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend, Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend. Curve, that is. Tossed the nub. In the shrub. She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there" To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air. Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence. Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long, So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!" "A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need" And the wholeworld waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd. Whizzed, that is. Straight stream. Even seam. Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case tocourt, With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came upshort. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is. Unexposed. Case Closed. Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now ya hear????? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
