3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 8 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Official Minnesota Temperature Conversion Chart Official Minnesota Temperature Conversion Chart 60 Above New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens. 50 Above Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe. 40 Above Italian and English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down. 32 Above Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker. 20 Above Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt. 15 Above Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold. 0 People in Miami all die... Minnesotans lick the flagpole. 20 Below Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats. 40 Below Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door. 60 Below Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Minnesota Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 80 Below Mount Saint Helens freezes. People in Minnesota rent some videos. 100 Below Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg. 297 Below Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Minnesota complain about farmers with cold hands. 460 Below All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500 Below Hell freezes over. The Vikings win the Super Bowl! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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One Liners: One Liners: Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary! ===================== What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. ===================== My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. ===================== Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent. ===================== The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. ===================== It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. ===================== A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. ===================== If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. ===================== My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines. ===================== The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work. ===================== North Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. ===================== Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid." ===================== Q. Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? A. It won't work and you can't fire it. ===================== A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite." ===================== How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. ====================================================== What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice Dick," ====================================================== How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends," ====================================================== Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls. ===================================================== Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday ====================================================== Why is being in the military like a blow job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. ====================================================== What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip. ====================================================== What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. ====================================================== What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. ====================================================== What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. ====================================================== Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people have a chance to have sex too. ===================================================== What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. ==================================================== What three two-letter words denote "small"? "Is it in?" ==================================================== Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. ================================================== If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely. ================================================== Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. =========================================================== A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, wish I had your willpower," ====================================================== And Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . . How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan ===================== Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ===================== What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. ===================== What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. ===================== What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all. ===================== Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. ===================== Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either. ======================== What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. ==================== Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. ==================== What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. ==================== How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! ===================== What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" ===================== What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit... -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Out Of The Mouth Of Babes!! Out of the Mouth of Babes!! It's hard to believe these were actually said by first graders, but there are some good ones. A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you: Better to be safe than..................................punch a 5th grader Never underestimate the power of............termites You can lead a horse to water but..............how? Don't bite the hand that...............................looks dirty No news is........................................................impossible A miss is as good as a....................................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new...................math If you lie down with dogs, you'll................stink in the morning Love all, trust.................................................me The pen is mightier than the.......................pigs An idle mind is...............................................the best way to relax Where there's smoke there's.....................pollution Happy the bride who...................................gets all the presents A penny saved is...........................................not much Two's company, three's..............................the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose None are so blind as...................................Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not...............spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed....................get new batteries You get out of something what you...........see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way And the favorite..... Better late than.......... ..................pregnant!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work: Phrases you wish you could say at work: 1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely eremonial. 23. No, my powers can only be used for good. 24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. 25. Who me? I just wander from room to room 26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? 27. Do I look like a people person? 28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 31. You!... Off my planet! 32. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 34. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 35. Allow me to introduce my selves. 36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? 44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 47. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks. 49. If I throw a stick, will you leave? - -- > No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Police Quotes Police Quotes "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Just how big were those two beers? "In God we trust, all others are suspects." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Popular Bumper Stickers POPULAR BUMPER STICKERS It's worse than you think and they ARE out to get you! Grow your own dope! Plant a politician! Why should we trust the government with automatic weapons? Support Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today Annoy a politician today - THINK If ignorance is Bliss, Washington must be Paradise! I love my country. It's my government I wonder about. If guns cause crime, matches cause arson! Not just gun-control, we need kitchen-knife-control too! (Referring to the kitchen-knife attack on a school in Japan) Don't steal. The government hates competition. Sure, you can trust the Government! Just ask an Indian! Ignore your rights and they'll go away Question Authority before it Questions You! Downsizing is good, right? Then let's fire Uncle Sam! Ignore the propaganda. Focus on what you see. Stop repeat offenders Don't re-elect them! Only lawyers get to be judges, and that's the (F)LAW! Never trust a government that doesn't trust YOU! Freedom of Religion means ALL Religions Question Authority - Don't ask why, just DO IT! If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go. A world without war; a dream to some, a nightmare to the arms manufacturers. Guns didn't make America unsafe, Courts and Congress did! Fight Organized Crime -- Don't Re-elect ANYONE! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Q & A Q & A Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches. Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A. Well-hung. Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud. Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A: The swallow. Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare. Q: Why don't men fake orgasm? A: Cos no man would pull those faces on purpose. Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds ? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Q & A Q & A 1. Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob 2. Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. 3. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. 4. Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. 5. Q.What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! 6. Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?" 7. Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. 8. Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. 9. Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? A. One of his fingers is clean. 10. Q. What's the biggest fish in the world? A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months. 11. Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy? A. Nobody eats parsley. 12. Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy? A. Kermits Finger 13. Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. 14. Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Quotes About The Sexes Quotes about the Sexes Men get laid, but women get screwed. * Quentin Crisp (English writer) When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. * Frederick Ryder Women need a reason to have sex-men just need a place. * Billy Crystal. I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? * Beverly Mickins (American comedienne) Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you. * Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress) Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette. * Ernestyne White A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. * Sanskrit proverb There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." * Jerry Seinfeld We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation. * Jane Wagner March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb. * Anonymous You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate. * Carrie Snow Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last. * Remy de Gourmant (French writer) A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. * H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956) When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. * Warren Farrell (American Psychologist) Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. * Lyndon B. Johnson Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? * Carrie Snow God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. Anonymous -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Rejected Hallmark Cards REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 2. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat...Sorry! 3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff! 5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 6. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. 7. Your computer is dead... it was once so alive. Don't you regret installing Windows 95? 8. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... the case of Bud Dry? 9. Saw something today that reminded me of you. As a matter of fact it was the shit on my shoe! 10. So you're taking Viagra so you can please me. What you need is an implant Since your inch size is three! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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