3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 8 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-19 20-29 30-31 NEXT >>
|
Recruitment Recruitment One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. "What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules...." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell," so St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff...." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Relationship With God... Relationship with God... 70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Sister Marlena Entered The Monastery Sister Marlena entered the Monastery of Silence and the Abbot said,"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so....." Sister Marlena lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbot said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years you can speak two words." Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed." "I am sorry to hear that," the Abbot said, "We will get you a better bed......." After another 5 years, Sister Marlena was called by the Abbot... "You may say another two words, Sister Marlena" "Cold food," said Sister Marlena, and the Abbott assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Sister Marlena into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I quit," said Sister Marlena. "It is probably best", said the Abbott, "You have done nothing but bitch since you got here. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Steve Went To Confession Steve went to confession, and told the priest that he had been with 5 different women the night before, each one another man's fiancée or wife. The priest told our man Steve to go home and squeeze 3 lemons and 2 limes into a cup of water and drink it. Steve asked the priest if that would give him absolution. The priest replied, "No, but it should wipe that smirky grin off your face!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Sunday Sermon Sunday Sermon The preacher in his Sunday sermon used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he haranged for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of a waiting Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' "I don't have any" replied the old gentleman. "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" asked the Preacher. "Eighty six" replied Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to eighty six" and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I just outlived the S.O.B.s!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Talking To God Talking to God A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God," he said, "how long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To me, it's a penny." The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "Sure! Just a minute." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
The Big Question The Big Question A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
The Computer Contest The Computer Contest Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a timed test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made greeting cards. They did every job known to computer nerds. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and both restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. He protested, "Wait! He cheated; how'd he do it?" God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
The Lottery THE LOTTERY Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.... -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
The Pleasures Of Getting Older The Pleasures Of Getting Older I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds? Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know until the 4th of July. AND WHAT WILL YOU GIVE UP FOR LENT BOYS AND GIRLS ????? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-19 20-29 30-31 NEXT >>
