3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Computers Jokes
This is page 8 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Computers jokes.
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Service Request Form Computer Problem Report Form 1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__ 11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__ 12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ 13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__ 14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ 15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ 17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ 20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__ 21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__ 22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__ 23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__ 24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__ 25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__ 26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__ 27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Silly People Human "genius" at work: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it." I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker-now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience store] would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries - it's a long walk." Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?" Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready? My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents. One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich. I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" Here's the set up: I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?" \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo--------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Time Traveler Beta TIMETRAVELLER 1.02 JUST RELEASED! Microsoft has just released it's update to TimeTraveller 1.00, the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines. The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsoft now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back?" A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives. " TimeTraveller 1.02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complimentary copies of Widows '95. But in addition to angry consumers, Microsoft has also received criticism from politicians and pundits for the effect of TimeTraveller on history books. At Senate hearings on Microsoft's domination of the timetravel market, a photograph was produced showing a beer hall putsch in 1930s Munich, with what appears to be a grinning Bill Gates at the foot of Hitler. A Microsoft representative countered that employees and executives of the Seattle-based firm are free to time-travel like anyone else with the software. "To suggest this is some nefarious world-controlling thing on Bill's part is crazy," the Micromouthpiece testified. "Besides, he couldn't work with Goebbels." In response to criticism, Microsoft has issued some tips with TimeTraveller 1.02. The READ ME file goes as follows: * CHECK THE TIME. When installing TimeTraveller, make sure your computer clock is correctly set. Failure to do this will result in your immediately ending up a few seconds or minutes in the past or future, in a state of perpetual confusion like Jim from Taxi. * WATCH YOUR MOUTH. Timetraveller uses BillzebubŪ, an occult algorithm developed in a Microsoft-IBM-Satan partnership. Do not grumble, cuss, or otherwise invoke the powers and principalities when installing Timetravleler. You'll be smoked like a gnat on a bugzapper if you do. * MEMORIZE YOUR PASSWORD. When working with large intervals of time, remember that there may not be much of an information age at your destination. It's important to memorize the PowerWord, your registered incantation that will speed you back to the present. You don't want to end up running around in a tar pit, hopelessly yelling your mother's maiden name with a raptor in hot pursuit. * DO NOT PESTER THE BABY JESUS. A popular destination for many Timetravellers is Bethlehem, and it is not appropriate to make a scene around the manger. We suggest you pay some token amount in Roman currency to the innkeeper, and dress appropriately. There are some alarming passages showing up in the Bible regarding "the strange visitors from beyond Nazareth, their heads anointed with visors, and possessed of much loudness and stretchpants". * BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR CAMCORDERS. Remember that these devices may look like weapons to people of the past, and a gentle request to 'say cheese' may result in a broadsword to the head. * CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Archaeologists will resent digging up the can of Pepsi you brought back in time. Particularly if the can became the religious centerpiece of a newly unearthed Mayan temple. * DO NOT USE TIMETRAVELLER TO CHANGE HISTORY, even if it's just to travel back with a witty rejoinder for someone's cutting remark a few days before. Do not use TimeTraveller to cheat death, taxes, or Bill. Attempts to do any of the above will result in the termination of the TimeTraveller licence agreement. And Microsoft will tell Satan to give you a hotfoot. So there. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Voice Recognition Software ~~~ Speaking of "reportedly true" stories ~~~ At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled: "Format - C - Colon - Return." To which someone else added: "Y - Return" ...everyone was quite impressed; the software worked!!! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Viruses Yet To Be Seen OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 300MB. FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friends hard drive. AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C/: POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits. TED TURNER VIRUS Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS &1 The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS &2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS Your programs can never be found again. STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. NEW YORK JETS VIRUS Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT. Makes computer play itself and lose. LAPD VIRUS It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." O.J. VIRUS It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Why Marry An Engineer? When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers DOCTORS------------ Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession. LAWYER----------- Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing. SALESMAN------------ See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you. HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.------------- Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her. TEACHER------------- The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man. MINISTER------------- See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys". PRESIDENT------------- Quote: "Even presidents have private lives". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Unix Virus YOU HAVE NOW RECEIVED THE UNIX VIRUS This virus works on the honor system: If you're running a variant of unix or linux, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Jesus Vs Satan Forwarded short story: Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out. "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, the screen comes to life in vivid display, and the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows . . . Jesus saves." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Stone Age Tech Support The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate: This fire help. Me Groog Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work. You have flint and stone? Ugh You hit them together? Ugh What happen? Fire not work (sigh) Make spark? No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday. *sigh* You change rock? I change nothing You sure? Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire, right? -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Etch-a-sketch Technical Support Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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