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110 Political Jokes
This is page 8 of 11 pages displaying a total of 110 Political jokes.
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The Top 15 Florida Excuses For Holding Up The Election The Top 15 Florida Excuses for Holding Up the Election 15> Dangerous Metamucil shortage caused by misunderstood TV reports of "many irregularities in Florida." 14> Booths in Cuba stay open until Fidel says it's time to close. 13> "Help! I've voted and I can't get up!" 12> "Give us 'Golden Girls: The Movie', and you'll get your damn President!" 11> "Aaaaaiiiieeeeeeee! There are 'gators in the ballot box!!!" 10> Still waiting for Elian's absentee ballot to be "rescued" from Donato's closet. 9> Jeb Bush can't decide whether to help his brother or pay him back for a lifetime of noogies. 8> Payback for all those jokes about being "America's penis." 7> Jimmy Johnson hair fumes *still* addling voters. 6> Easy Bush victory disrupted by unfortunate large number of easily-understood ballots. 5> Gore voters "confused" by ballot design need time to prepare snappy answers to the question, "And you accused BUSH of being stupid?!?" 4> "Que?" 3> Waiting for Walt's head to thaw so he can cast the deciding vote. 2> Ballot inspectors are stuck behind blue-haired drivers going 20 MPH in the wrong lane with a turn signal constantly on. 1> "Hush up, now! Matlock's on!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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To: All Concerned Citizens To: All Concerned Citizens Subject: Republican Party Changing Emblem, and More Breaking News from the White House. The GOP National Committee announced today that it is changing the Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects the party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others. And, furthermore, it was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there was a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that "Men do not have anginas." The President was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has "acute angina." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Things Heard Around Gary Condit's Office Top Ten things heard around Gary Condit's office recently. 10. "Yes, Mr. Chopski, that's what I said, free room & board IS provided with your daughter's internship." 9. "No Mr. Mayor, I can't support your new curfew program, I can't have my daughters home by 11pm." 8. "Proposition # 202, 203, 204, 205. Oh well, who's counting." 7. "Mr Hoffa says he doesn't care what you offer in your Labor bill. He doesn't take care of that kind of thing!" 6. "I'll show you my docket if you show me your docket." 5. "What do you mean Gary, your secretary said the Security Committee didn't even meet today, how could you be in closed session????" 4. "The handcuffs? - must belong to the Park Police, they are always losing things around here." 3. "I'll show you the "D" in Democrat...." 2. "Objection, the member is out of order!!!!" 1. "And our new campaign slogan is: Kiss Interns, Not Babies!" (By JP) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Times In History When Saying Fu.. Was Appropriate Top Ten Times in history when saying FUCK was appropriate: 10) "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima 9) "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - Custer 8) "Any fucking idiot could understand that! " - Einstein 7) "It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso 6) "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras 5) "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo 4) "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain ?" - Joan of Arc 3) "Scattered fucking showers... my ass!" - Noah 2) "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" - J. F.K. And the number one most appropriate use of the "F" word.... 1) "Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction! You remember the one about Lincoln and Kennedy, and all the coincidences. Well, here's another analysis that proves the saying TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION! TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist. TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry but surrenders it in the end.. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's keeps her gifts but surrenders them in the end. TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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What Happened To The 56 Men Who Signed The Declaration Of Independence? Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence? Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. What kind of men were they? Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured. Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags. Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward. Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton. At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months. John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart. Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates. Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor." They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fougnt our own government! Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid. Remember freedom is never free! I hope you will show your support by please sending this to as many people as you can. It's time we get the word out that patriotism is NOT a sin, and the Fourth of July has more to it than beer, picnics, and baseball games. Thank you and God bless. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Will Bush, Gore Say Anything That Makes Sense? Will Bush, Gore say anything that makes sense? It's debatable Ohio's Greatest Home Newspaper For those who don't have time to watch the presidential debate Wednesday night, I've prepared this transcript of what will be said: Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense? Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis. Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal. Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush. Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name? Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico. Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal. Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors. Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system? Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap. Lehrer: Gov. Bush? Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds. Lehrer: It's time for closing statements. Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me. Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans. Lehrer: Good night. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You May Remember That On July 8, 1947 You may remember that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch in Roswell, New Mexico. This is an incident, of course, that many say has been covered up by the government. However, exactly nine months after that day, on March 31, 1948, Al Gore was born. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Clinton And Monica Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report 10. Truly an eager beaver. 9. Uses too much teeth. 8. Stays late, comes early. 7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period. 6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load. 5. Frequently complains of jaw pain. 4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner. 3. "In box" is always clean and shiny. 2. Tends to blab on the telephone. And the #1 comment.......... 1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Clinton And Sex Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town. Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President. So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come. Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? A: He wants to be on top. Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? A: He married her. Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!" Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite? A: It Takes A Village! President Clinton was out jogging when a hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks!" Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor. Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? A: A dead girlfriend. Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? A: Swallow the leader Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. -------------------------------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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