3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 9 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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Proctology ************************************************************************* A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!" \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Professional Maid John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Love, John Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now" Love, Mom -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Prostitute ***** A man is gambling in the casino and wins $1000. He decides to celebrate and goes out looking for a hooker. He finds a hooker and says he wants a blowjob. The hooker says "No Problem, $500." Our hero says "Hey, that's a lot of money for a blowjob!" The hooker replies "Do you see that BMW convertible over there? I paid cash for it because I give the finest blowjobs in town!" Our hero pays the hooker the money, gets his BJ and goes back to the casino a very happy fellow. The next day, he's in the casino and wins $2000. Again, to celebrate, he goes out looking for a hooker. He finds the same one. He says "Today I want anal sex." The hooker says "No problem, $1000" Our hero says "Hey that's a lot of money just for anal sex!" The hooker responds "Do you see that penthouse apt. up there? Well I paid cash for it because I have the nicest ass in town!" Well, our hero pays the hooker, goes about his business, and goes back to the casino with a smile on his face. The next day, our hero leaves the casino looking for a hooker. He finds the same one. He says "Today, all I want is some pussy." The hooker replies "Do you see that new shopping mall they're building across the street? Our hero answers "No! Don't tell me you own that shopping mall too?" The hooker answers "No! But you can be Damn sure I would if I had a pussy!" ____________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Proud Daddy A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Tit For Tat A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer and dryer?" "Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says. "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says. "No, that's the price," the sales guy says, "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars for the system," the sales guy says. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks. "No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Yes," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks. "Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" the man says. As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife..." "What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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At The Races? ============================= Subject: At the Races? The other day, a woman came out of the kitchen and when her husband approached, she slapped him up side the head, WHACK! He was a little dazed and asked, "What was that for?" She said, "I was cleaning out your pants to put them in the laundry and found a piece of paper with the name 'Foxy Roxy' on it." He said, "Honey, you know that I went out the other day with the boys to the race track. I bet on a horse named 'Foxy Roxy' and that we won a lot of money on it. She felt so bad that she fixed him his favorite dinner and really treated him good since she had made this mistake and not trusted him. A few days went by and the husband came through the door and "WHACK," she smacked him up side the head again. He said, "Ouch! What was that for???" She replied, "Your horse called today......." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Calling The Horse Race This is for all the race track fanatics! Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Dick 9. Heavy Bosom 10. Merry Cherry Make your bets! At the Post... They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot. At the Halfway Mark... It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick. At the Stretch... Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming. At the Finish... It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pull up. Clean Sheets never had a chance.... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Rejection Lines ____________________________________________ TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean): 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my DAD.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You ugly dork.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and 1/2 gallon Ben & Jerry's ice cream.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you're in the same *solar system*, much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off the likes of you). 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.) ============================================================ TOP TEN REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY MEN (and what they actually mean): 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) 5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) 1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.) -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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In Defense Of Sex by Jim Rosenberg Why am I writing about sex? Because sex is first and foremost, funny. Sure, it's the "ultimate expression of love" and yes, I realize it represents "absolute intimacy," and Lord don't I know it is part of the glorious cycle of procreation: Dinner -- Movie -- Coffee -- Sex -- Pregnancy --Youth Soccer I see the bookstore shelves lined with scary rants about how sex is dangerous, mysterious, unfathomable and it makes me want to say "wait just a spit-sharing minute!" As a public service, I'm here to remind you why sex is nature's practical joke. So, lighten up. Here are some reasons why sex is funny: 1. Animals do it. Say what you will about how complicated and layered sexual relationships are. While you are jawboning about it, big stupid elephants are doing it. Warthogs, pigs, squirrels and porcupines all manage to be "sexual beings" without the assistance of talk shows, therapists or even Johnny Mathis albums. Of course, human beings didn't agonize over sex until our brains got up to cruising speed. I always get a kick out of the movie "Quest for Fire." Set in prehistoric times, the plot features cavemen who just evolved from animals, oh about last Thursday, and use, to put it mildly, highly abbreviated pickup lines. The only place you can find that style working now is, of course South Carolina. 2. Those faces you people make. What is the deal with those smooshed up faces? If that's the way you people look when you are ecstatic, I just hope I never have to see you sad. All across the world, serious and thoughtful folks--perhaps even Walter Cronkite and Margaret Thatcher (separately!)--are making passionate faces that look like Jim Carrey auditioning for his part in The Mask. This is why sex is primarily a nocturnal, lights-out activity.. 3. Those noises you people make. (See #2, above.) 4. Sex punctures pomposity. Imagine talking to someone who knows a million times more than you about something--let's say Mutual Funds. It's a very intimidating experience to hear them rattle on about--and I apologize for using these phrases--front-end loads and back-end loads. Now, imagine them saying--and meaning--the following: "I want desperately to have sex with you." Well, that changes things doesn't it? All of the sudden Mr. or Ms. Knowitall is not so intimidating, right? Please don't ever forget that the future genius of the 21st--the man or woman who will surgically implant chips into our brains--has either a Cindy Crawford or a Fabio poster on the wall right now. The point is that sex is a devastating leveler of the playing field. If you don't believe me, then answer this question: when I say, "Hugh Grant" do you still think "boyish charm" or is it now "limey pervert?" 5. Naughty parts. Let me see how to put this. We have certain parts--naughty parts--which are the basis of a--and I apologize for using this phrase--two-pronged strategy. On the one hand, we drink tea and eat little sandwiches and generally pretend that our N.P.s are domesticated. On the other hand, we are docile slaves to our N.P.s and routinely walk planks into shark-infested waters in service of their unquenchable thirst. The torturous contradictions inherent in the Two Pronged Naughty Part Strategy are the stuff of laughs. For instance, our mind says, "Always be yourself and let your confidence shine through" while our N.P.s might say, "I've got a great idea--let's call the old girlfriend and hang up like a third-grader!" 6. Nudity. In the movies nudity is a gift which, when unwrapped, takes the breath away. In real life, nudity sometimes involves hairy legs, black socks, a wristwatch and some corn stuck between your teeth. My teeth, I should say--I am speaking personally here. In real life, nudity is a matter to be negotiated, thusly: "I agree to do my best to come up with things which cause you to make the happy noise. In exchange, you agree to see me naked and not show outward signs of revulsion." The least funny aspect of sex is the most prevalent: categorization. I don't know when it happened, but someone lined up everyone in the world and had them explain what kind of sex they liked, while a bureaucrat with a notepad came up with a boring name for it. Now, we are left with these colorless categories which serve as team names in a battle without a purpose. Homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, transvestite--these are real yawners. I have no comment on the morality of these folks, I just wish we could pepper up the language a little. As a public service, I offer the following interesting sexual terms: * Splintercourse--The sexual act in an outdoor setting. (e.g., "I enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the Mile Marker 189 Rest Stop.") * POTUS Interruptus--A sexual encounter prematuraly ended when the Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has returned. (POTUS = President of the United States.) * Play-doh-masochism. [Insert your own joke here]. * Feastiality--Sexual food fetish. (e.g., "Man, did Kim Basinger have a feastiality problem in 9 1/2 Weeks, or what?") * Homosectional--Multi-part couch made up of all right or left sides. * Nophyllactic. A form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception. * Bromo-sexual--Individuals who find sex nauseating. See also: "women I've dated." * Wargasm--Sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight (e.g., "I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!") * Frommage a Trois--Literally, this means either "grilled cheese sandwich," or "three-cheese omelette" but it has come to connote two same-sex individuals (the bread) and one opposite sex individual (the cheese). * Toupalactic--A powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question. * Trojan Purse--Where liberated women carry their contraceptives. * Lymphomaniac--Individuals who are obsessed not with *having* sex, but talking about it. (e.g., "Sheesh, that Sally Jessy Raphael is quite a lymphomaniac, isn't she?"). I hope this shoddily researched and quickly slapped together essay has given you new insights into matters of the flesh. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Everything you ever wanted to know about sex" copyright 1996 by Jim Rosenberg. All rights reserved. If you received this article from someone else, you should know that it originated at Silly Little Tomte Publications, an online publishing enterprise. To learn more about it, crank up your browser and point it to http://pobox.com/slt/. Have a nice visit. Jim Rosenberg works in the insurance industry in a job he describes as "so boring, describing it here would cause the reader's TCP/IP connection to simply disengage." By night, he writes a humor column for TRIADstyle, a weekly publication affiliated with the News & Record in Greensboro, NC. His most recent article for Sam's Revenge was You say that life is a battle, and ode to obituary poety. You can reach him at abco100@nr.infi.net. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Sex Doctor The Sex Doctor A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. "The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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