3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 9 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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The Memory School Remembered Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?" "A rose?" "Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Mental Hospital Phone Answering System A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental health institute. "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Metric Equiavents We Can All Use NEW METRICS 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 10 rations = 1 decoration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 10 monologs = 5 dialogues 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Military Pipe Specs MILITARY PIPE SPECIFICATIONS 1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal around the hole. 2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length. 3. All pipe is to be of the very best quality, preferably tubular, or pipular. 4. O.D. of all pipe must exceed the I.D. of all pipe, otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 5. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that hot water, steam, or other items may be placed in the hole at a later date. 6. All pipe is to be cleaned of covering such as mud, tar, barnacles, or manure, so as to prevent lumps under the paint. 7. All pipes over 500 feet in length must have the words "Long Pipe" clearly painted on both ends so that the fitter will know it is a long pipe. Pipe over 2 miles in length will also have "long pipe" painted in the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine if it is a long pipe or not. 8. All pipe over 6 inches in diameter will have the words "large pipe" painted on it so the fitter will not use it with small pipe. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Disturbing New Growth ***************** A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high-tech procedure called the knob." "What is the knob, doctor?", she asked. "It is a procedure where we install a knob under the hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again." "Oh, yes! That is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly. The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger. As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and viola! Her face was beautiful again. One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the bags. "You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied. After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts." To which she said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Nba Needs Your Help With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need. Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level (Atrocious!) And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the current lock-out situation. But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, ...but it's a start! Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned-for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below: [ ] Starter [ ] Reserve [ ] Star (Higher cost) [ ] Superstar (Much higher cost) [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Cheerleaders not included.)) [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me. Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. Your Name: ____________________ Telephone Number: ____________________ Account Number: ____________________ Exp.Date:_______ [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover Signature: _______________________ Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Not Too Bright!! NOT TOO SMART 1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. 2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two **practiced** shooting beer cans off each other's head. 3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. 4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. 5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. 6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. 7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. 8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. 9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. 10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 MPH chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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What Not To Do With A New Girlfriend Things NOT to do with a New Girlfriend... 1.) Don't look her directly in the cleavage when she's talking to you. 2.) While whispering tender endearments in her ear... don't sneeze! 3.) Don't interrupt your lovemaking to remove your teeth, contacts and toupee. 4.) Don't tell her your favorite song is "What's Love Got To Do With It?" 5.) Don't try to look up her dress as you're helping her out of the car. 6.) Don't fall asleep on top of her. 7.) Don't introduce her to your parents as Bachelorette #3. 8.) Don't tell her that your bisexual -- meaning, that is, you prefer to have sex with two women at the same time. 9.) Don't introduce her to your bevy of inflatable beauties. 10.) Don't hold up your hand when she asks who is your best-ever lover. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Breakfast Conversation A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Negativism Defined An positivist sees the best in the world, while a negative thinker (a non-optimist) sees only the worst. An positive thinker finds some positive even in the negative, and a negativist can only find a negative no matter how positive something is. Let me illustrate what I mean . . . An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped toward the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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