3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
101 Animals Jokes
This is page 9 of 11 pages displaying a total of 101 Animals jokes.
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The Perfect Pet The perfect pet A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says "How about a dog?" The man replies "Come on, a dog can't do everything." The owner says "How about a cat?" The man replies: "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything! The owner thinks for a minute. Then says: "I've got it! ... A centipede!" The man says: "Centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but ... okay ... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and ... it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that can really do everything." He says to the centipede: "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later ... no centipede. 20 minutes later ... no centipede. 30 minutes later ... no centipede. The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no centipede! The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is the centipede? He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door. The man says "Hey!!! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and just get me a newspaper. What's the story?!" The centipede says "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes! ________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pigeons Get Their Just Desserts For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven. "You`ve been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I`m going to give you a special gift. I`m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I`LL shit on its head." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Pig Can Talk! My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pig's Life One sunny day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away a crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see what was in the crate. The man open the crate and was stunned to see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so he asked a police officer for some advise. The officer suggested that the man take the pig to the local zoo. A few days later while the police officer was directing traffic, he noticed this same man driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the man so he could find out if everything when well with his advice. The officer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack of soda and some popcorn. "Good afternoon officer!" the man said. The pig looked over and gave a couple polite snorts. The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I told you to bring that pig to the zoo!" The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun today we're going to the ballgame!!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Prozac For Dogs? Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Puppy On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane.. About 30 minutes into the trip a stewardess, noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you OK, sir?" asked the stewardess? "Yes, I'm fine." said the man. Sometime later the stewardess noticed the man moaning, and shaking again... "Are you sure you're alright sir?" "Yes." said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." "Whats wrong?" asked the stew, "Is he not house broken?" "No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Race Horses A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Rooster Competition An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy." So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo--------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Santa's Reindeer Yo, Ho, Oh No! Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test... The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Sassy Parrot David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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