3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
200 Bar Jokes
This is page 9 of 20 pages displaying a total of 200 Bar jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-19 NEXT >>
|
The Fly This fly goes into a bar one day, and orders a drink. The customer next to him looks at him and says to the bartender, "What's with him?" The bartender says, "Oh, he works in the restaurant down the street." The man asks the fly, "What line of work do you do?" The fly sighs, "The waiters always put me in bowls of soup, and it's tough on my health." |
|
Bar Jokes A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar." A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants." The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!" Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it !! |
|
The picture A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender give me a shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. "Bartender! Give me another shot!" He takes the shot then looks in his pocket." He says "Bartender give me another shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. The bartender says, "Why is it that after every shot, you look in your pocket?" "I have a picture of my wife & when she looks good, I'll go home!" |
|
Happy Birthday A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "So which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking." |
|
The Cowboy The Cowboy A cowboy walks into a saloon bar and orders a large bourbon. Finishing his drink, he turns to the face the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the music papers into the air, shoots the guys hat off and finally shoots the lid down trapping the poor guys fingers, before a flash spin with the gun and puts it back in its holster. "Brilliant shooting" says the bartender, "Mind if I look at your gun?" Another flashy spin brings the gun into the bartenders hands. "Nice tool, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth?" "What the hell for?" asks the cowboy. "Well see that piano player?" says the bartender, " He is Billy the Kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun up where the sun don't shine." |
|
People say the funniest things when they’re drunk People say the funniest things when they’re drunk A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!" The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks. The bartender says "That'll be $37.50." The drunk says, "I don't have any money!" This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living daylights out of the drunk and throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too." The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks. The bartender says, "That'll be $42.50." The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money !" This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?" The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!" |
|
The Wife Oedipus A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court." The bartender replies "I'll tell you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little mad." "Such as?" asks the patron. "Do you ever go down on her?" The patron replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!" "I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing." "I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!" Our hero stumbles in the house blind drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed. The response in incredible! Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle. "I don't know how you beat me in here." he says "But be quick! I've got an emergency!" "Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "my mother's in there trying to sleep!!" |
|
What Time Does The Bar Open? What Time Does The Bar Open? At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When joo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!" |
|
Drunk Guy A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?" |
|
Bar Flies Bar Flies An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer. Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting." The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD." |
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-19 NEXT >>
