3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 9 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-liners RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have had nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. If it weren't for pickpockets..... I'd have no sex life at all. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a motel. One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." The only time my wife wants to have sex with me is when she wants to time an egg. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now, I'm afraid to go take a leak. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I was so ugly...My father carried around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father....I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through, anyway. I was so ugly...My mother had morning sickness.........after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them? "He said ... "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Romance Mathematics ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage. ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew RULES THAT GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW 1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US. 2. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT; IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. 3. DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR......EVER!!!!!!! 4. SOMETIMES, WE'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU --- LIVE WITH IT. 5. GET RID OF YOUR CAT. 6. SUNDAY = SPORTS! 7. ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE. REALLY. 8. WOMEN WEARING WONDERBRAS AND LOW CUT BLOUSES LOSE THEIR RIGHT TO COMPLAIN WHEN MEN STARE AT THEIR CHESTS. 9. YOU DO HAVE TOO MANY SHOES. 10. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL. 11. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. SUBLTE HINTS DON'T WORK. 12. MARK ANNIVERSARIES ON THE CALENDAR. 13. PEEING STANDING UP IS MORE DIFFICULT THAN PEEING FROM POINT BLANK RANGE....SOMETIMES WE MISS. 14. "YES" AND "NO" ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS. 15. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM...SEE A DOCTOR. 16. DON'T FAKE IT. WE'D RATHER BE INEFFECTIVE THAN DECEIVED. 17. ANYTHING WE SAID SIX OR EIGHT MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. 18. IF YOU DON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA BOYS. 19. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS, AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE. 20. LET US OGLE. IF WE DON'T LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN, HOW CAN WE KNOW HOW PRETTY YOU ARE? 21. DON'T RUB THE LAMP IF YOU DON'T WANT THE GENIE TO COME OUT! 22. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE...NOT BOTH. 23. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DIDN'T NEED DIRECTIONS...NEITHER DO WE. 24. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES. 25. MEN ARE FROM EARTH, WOMEN ARE FROM EARTH...DEAL WITH IT! 26. NOTHING SAYS, "I LOVE YOU" LIKE SEX!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Seen In Newspapers: SEEN IN NEWSPAPERS: Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Benefits: Blue Cross Medical Insurance and salary. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale; an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used cars: why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Seminars That Men Wish Women Would Attend Seminars That Men Wish Women Would Attend Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Communication Skills: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie. TV Remotes: For Men Only. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Sex Is .... Sex is .... What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." Tom Clancy "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." Drew Carey "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Unknown "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield "My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet." Bill Kelly "As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen." Rev. Sydney Smith "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen "Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children." Sam Austin "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." George Burns "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." Matt Barry "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." Camille Paglia "Life is a sexually transmitted disease." Unknown "My kid had sex with your honor student." Bumper Sticker "My sexual preference is not you." Tshirt "Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." Michael Sinz "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." Woody Allen "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." Henry Miller "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." Lynn Lavner "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P. J. ORourke -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Smart Check SMART CHECK Answer all questions and rate yourself. 1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? 2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? 3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? 4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get? 5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? 6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? 7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What colour is the bear? 8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? 9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? 10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ANSWERS : 1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days. 2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1. 30 and the last at 2 o'clock, they will be taken in 1 hour. 3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and pm. 4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2. 5) 9 live sheep. 6) The match. 7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole. 8) 2 apples. I have 3 apples, YOU take 2, what do YOU have? 9) None. It was Noah, not Moses. 10) YOU are the driver. Grading Scale (out of 10) 10 - Genius 9 - Mensa Member 8 - Engineer 7 - Student 6 - High school pupil 5 - Primary school pupil 4 - Teacher 3 - College lecturer 2 - University lecturer 1 - Member of parliament 0 - Blonde -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Some Observations & Wacky Thoughts Some Observations & Wacky Thoughts Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." The difference between the Pope and your boss is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his RING. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary! I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled her mood. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you still end up at work. I'm so depressed... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Some Reasons Not To Idolize Sports Figures....... SOME REASONS NOT TO IDOLIZE SPORTS FIGURES....... * Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." * New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." * And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." * Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." * Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." * Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." * Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." * Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." * Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." * Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." * Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is." * Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." * Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt!" * Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored in yet." * Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "Its just the same, but basically darker." * Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" * Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." * And The Gem: Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Staff Descriptions STAFF DESCRIPTIONS Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone Average Employee..............................Not too bright Exceptionally Well Qualified......Made no major blunders yet Work is First Priority................Too ugly to get a date Active Socially.................................Drinks a lot Family is Active Socially.................Spouse drinks, too Independent Worker.............Nobody knows what he/she does Quick Thinking......................Offers plausible excuses Careful Thinker........................Won't make a decision Agressive..........................................Obnoxious Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs......Gets someone else to do it Expresses Themselves Well.....................Speaks English Meticulous Attention to Detail..................A nit picker Has Leadership Qualities.........Is tall or has a loud voice Exceptionally Good Judgement...........................Lucky Keen Sense of Humor...............Knows a lot of dirty jokes Career Minded...................................Back Stabber Loyal..........................Can't get a job anywhere else -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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