3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 9 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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The Pope, Billy Graham, And Oral Roberts Were In A Plane Crash The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together. ”Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter, “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, “Since we weren’t expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t take you in just yet and we can’t send you back.” Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. I’ll owe you one.” Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT..... Two days later... ”Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.” -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Praying Parrot A Middle Aged Woman Lived Alone Except For Her Pet The Praying Parrot A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it had a special skill. It would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot. One day the women was boasting about her parrot’s prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. “I have a female parrot and she’s just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She’s the most foul mouthed creature I’ve ever heard,” he sighed. “Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.” The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman’s parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, “Hot damn!! This is what I’ve been praying for!!” -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Preacher Was A Dead Ringer For Conway Twitty The new preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you." So she said come right on in. He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty. Then he came to a widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!" And he said, "Hello, Darlin!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Priest The Priest A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, " My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, " I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Sunday School Teacher Was Speaking To Her Class The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "...because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!," the teacher said. Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?" Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was moaning, 'O God, I'm coming!', and if Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Two Nuns... The Two Nuns... Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the F*%! off our car!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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There Once Was A Proud Irishman There once was a proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade." St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!" St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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There Was A Church Where The Preacher And The Song Leader There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service. One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader then led the song, "I Shall Not Be Moved". The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader then led the song, "Jesus Paid It All". The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song, "I Love To Tell The Story". The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The song leader then led the song, "Oh, Why Not Tonight". As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader then led the song, "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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There Was A Scottish Tradesman There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was quite interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit farther. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one its bigger cathedrals. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with cheap turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Lord, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, Lord! Forgive me! What should I do?" ........... Scroll Down And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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There Was This Lady Who Was Visiting A Church One Sunday There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, " You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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