3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Computers Jokes
This is page 9 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Computers jokes.
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Before Computers A computer was something on tv from a science fiction show... A window was something you hated to clean.... and RAM was the cousin of a goat..... Meg was the name of my girlfriend and Gig was something you did on stage for money now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes An application was for employment A program was a tv show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano Memory was something that you lost with age a cd was a bank account and if you had a 3 1/2' floppy you hoped nobody found out Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while Log on was adding wood to the fire hard drive was a long trip on the road a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode Cut you did with a pocket knife paste you did with glue a web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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How Many Internet Mail List Subscribers Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? version #1 Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331: 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. version #2 Q: How many e-mail list participants does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1500. 1 to ask the question. 5 to reply with their answers. 1 to ask if they could get their light bulb changed. 14 to say "Me too!" 40 to flame the "me too" people 107 to flame the "me too" flamers 26 to ask that this thread be taken offline to alt.change.lightbulb. 59 to flame the "offline whiners" 17 to flame the "offline whiners" flamers by pointing out their spelling mistakes 242 to point out the spelling mistakes in _their_ e-mails. 79 to ask that this thread be taken offline to alt.spelling.mistakes. 127 to ask that people reply to the sender only, and not copy everyone. 299 to ask that the people complaining about replying to the sender to, in fact, reply to the sender only. 101 to argue they have the freedom of speech to reply to anyone they feel like. 283 to reply they do not 98 to ask that this thread be taken offline to alt.freedom.speech 1 to spam everyone so badly that their mail client crashes and they can't anyone any more. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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All I Know About Computers I Learned From My Mother ALL I KNOW ABOUT COMPUTERS I LEARNED FROM MY MOTHER For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether the Tooth Fairy is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you wished for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that the Tooth Fairy is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real fairy. Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes." Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon." Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair. Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime. There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat. Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Drug Dealers Vs Software Developers Subject: Drug dealers vs software developers Drug dealers Software developers --------------------------- --------------------------- Refer to their clients Refer to their clients as "users". as "users". "The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..." Have important South-East Have important South-East Asian connections Asian connections (to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: "Stick," Strange jargon: "SCSI," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E". "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN". Realize that there's tons of Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by the industry producing industry producing newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture capitalists. Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. unhealthy addictions. Diablo. 'Nuff said. Do your job well, and you can Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! sleep with sexy movie stars -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Customer Support I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Person: "How do I know when it's ready?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra from the movie "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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How To Tell If You Might Be A "high Tech Redneck" How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck" If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com" If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page" If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop" If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson" If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT" If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined If your wife said "either he or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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If Dr. Seuss Were A Technical Writer If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort. And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash. Then your siutation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame, sir! We'll find you another game, sir! If the label on the cable on the table at your house Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss, So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC. Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! Author Unknown -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Id4 Virus, Alien/os Vulnerability ============================================================================= CERT(sm) Advisory CA-96.13 July 4, 1996 Topic: ID4 virus, Alien/OS Vulnerability - ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The CERT Coordination Center has received reports of weaknesses in Alien/OS that can allow species with primitive information sciences technology to initiate denial-of-service attacks against MotherShip(tm) hosts. One report of exploitation of this bug has been received. When attempting takeover of planets inhabited by such races, a trojan horse attack is possible that permits local access to the MotherShip host, enabling the implantation of executable code with full root access to mission-critical security features of the operating system. The vulnerability exists in versions of EvilAliens' Alien/OS 34762.12.1 or later, and all versions of Microsoft's Windows/95. CERT advises against initiating further planet takeover actions until patches are available from these vendors. If planet takeover is absolutely necessary, CERT advises that affected sites apply the workarounds as specified below. As we receive additional information relating to this advisory, we will place it in ftp://info.cert.org/pub/cert_advisories/CA-96.13.README We encourage you to check our README files regularly for updates on advisories that relate to your site. - ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I. Description Alien/OS contains a security vulnerability, which strangely enough can be exploited by a primitive race running Windows/95. Although Alien/OS has been extensively field tested over millions of years by EvilAliens, Inc., the bug was only recently discovered during a routine invasion of a backwater planet. EvilAliens notes that the operating system had never before been tested against a race with "such a kick-ass president." The vulnerability allows the insertion of executable code with root access to key security features of the operating system. In particular, such code can disable the NiftyGreenShield (tm) subsystem, allowing child processes to be terminated by unauthorized users. Additionally, Alien/OS networking protocols can provide a low-bandwidth covert timing channel to a determined attacker. II. Impact Non-privileged primitive users can cause the total destruction of your entire invasion fleet and gain unauthorized access to files. III. Solution EvilAliens has supplied a workaround and a patch, as follows: A. Workaround To prevent unauthorized insertion of executables, install a firewall to selectively vaporize incoming packets that do not contain valid aliens. Also, disable the "Java" option in Netscape. To eliminate the covert timing channel, remove untrusted hosts from routing tables. As tempting as it is, do not use target species' own satellites against them. B. Patch As root, install the "evil" package from the distribution tape. (Optionally) save a copy of the existing /usr/bin/sendmail and modify its permission to prevent misuse. - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The CERT Coordination Center thanks Jeff Goldblum and Fjkxdtssss for providing information for this advisory. - --------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you believe that your system has been compromised, contact the CERT Coordination Center or your representative in the Forum of Incident Response and Security Teams (FIRST). We strongly urge you to encrypt any sensitive information you send by email. The CERT Coordination Center can support a shared DES key and PGP. Contact the CERT staff for more information. Location of CERT PGP key ftp://info.cert.org/pub/CERT_PGP.key CERT Contact Information - ------------------------ Email cert@cert.org Phone +1 412-268-7090 (24-hour hotline) CERT personnel answer 8:30-5:00 p.m. EST (GMT-5)/EDT(GMT-4), and are on call for emergencies during other hours. Fax +1 412-268-6989 Postal address CERT Coordination Center Software Engineering Institute Carnegie Mellon University Pittsburgh PA 15213-3890 USA CERT publications, information about FIRST representatives, and other security-related information are available for anonymous FTP from http://www.cert.org/ ftp://info.cert.org/pub/ CERT advisories and bulletins are also posted on the USENET newsgroup comp.security.announce To be added to our mailing list for CERT advisories and bulletins, send your email address to cert-advisory-request@cert.org Copyright 1996 Carnegie Mellon University This material may be reproduced and distributed without permission provided it is used for noncommercial purposes and the copyright statement is included. CERT is a service mark of Carnegie Mellon University. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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'twas The Night Before Crisis 'Twas the Night before Crisis 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Book(tm) A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk. The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK(tm). Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement. Anyone can use BOOK(tm), even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire. How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK(tm) consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK(tm) covers a lengthy program of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order. To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding". Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side. By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK(tm). No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK(tm), or to start it working. BOOK(tm) may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required information sequence. A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOK(tm)mark. This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOK(tm)mark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK(tm). The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOK(tm)s is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK(tm), small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule. Once purchased, BOOK(tm) requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user. BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the program schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding. Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it. Here's the supervisor's response: ================================= BOOK(tm) does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages with no drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider: It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire. Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request. "Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! "cannot" is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases." "BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical. "the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user". Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously. I'd suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough associative search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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