3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
110 Political Jokes
This is page 9 of 11 pages displaying a total of 110 Political jokes.
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More Clinton Sex TOP 11 CLINTON's EXCUSES -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 11. Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top. 10. I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV. 9. She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16. 8. Hey, At least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Jennifer Flowers. 7. I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second term in office. 6. I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname. 5. I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90's, I sent her E-MAIL! 4. See I'm not a lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD! 3. My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William KENNEDY Clinton. 2. I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans -- oops,I mean it was in my genes. AND for those of you who remember the famous "I DIDN'T INHALE" comes the now soon to be famous #1 excuse....................... 1. "I didn't insert" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cloning Clone Questions Results of the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which readers were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton's special commission to study the moral and practical effects of cloning: Are the pope and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree about something? Can you clone Alan Greenspan, or does it have to be LIVING tissue? If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we could all look forward to? If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind? If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict? If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out? If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry IV part II? If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child? Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"? Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted? Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-sized person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal. Would it work if I binged and my clone purged? And my personal favorite: Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg? \\|// (o o) ~~~~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Government Now that it's '88, it's time for some political nonsense (redundant?) A LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else. COMMUNISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk. FASCISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk. NAZISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk down the drain. CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. ANARCHY - steal neighbour's bull, shoot the government. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Clinton Goes To Hell Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate -approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton" "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Clinton Meets Hussein The President is meeting with Saddam Hussein regarding the recent crisis. They are meeting in Hussein's Baghdad capital, and halfway through the meeting Hussein hits a button on his armrest. A fake arm flies out and hits Clinton in the face. A little while later he hits another button and Clinton ducks, only to be kicked in the butt. A while later, this happens again. Clinton is angry, calls a break, and they decide to meet again later, in Washington. When Hussein comes to DC, they sit in Clinton's office. A few minutes into the discussions, Clinton hits a button, Hussein ducks, but nothing happens. A few minutes later, Clinton hits another button, Hussein ducks again, but still nothing happens. This happens a third time, and Hussein, by this point, is angry and paranoid. He gets up and shouts "Enough of this! I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton looks up and displays a funny-looking smirk to the Iraqi leader. Then quite calmly replies, "What Baghdad?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Hillary's Fortune Teller During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dead Kennedies Q. Why didn't JFK, Jr. take a shower before he left for the Vineyard? A. He said he'd wash up on shore! Q. What's the Kennedy's flying motto? A. Your luggage will arrive before you do! Q. What do Kennedies miss most about Martha's Vineyard? A. The runway. Q. What will it take to bring the first family back together? A. One more bullet! Q. Why was JFK, Jr. flying to the Vineyard? A. He wanted to crash his cousin's wedding. Q. What will they name the movie about movie JFK, Jr.? A. Eyes Wide Shut. A. Three funerals and a wedding. Q. Why are they having trouble finding JFK Jr's plane? A. Because his flight actions constitute wreckless behavior. "Picking up the Pace" Department: Used to be that Kennedies drowned their women one at a time! We hear JFK, Jr. has changed his name to "Bob". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Merlin Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in theworld, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?" __________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood ------------------------------------------ Note: Not the same one from "Politically Correct Bedtime Stories." There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free. "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models. On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way." Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "You forget that I am optically challenged." "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have." "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child." "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!" The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!" The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax. "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper. "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams." "Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner." "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?" "Sure," said the Wolf. "Thanks." "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Politically Correct Insults Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that is politically correct? Here are some great suggestions sent in by various people... A few clowns short of a circus A few fries short of a Happy Meal An experiment in artificial stupidity A few beers short of a six pack Dumber than a box of hair A few peas short of a casserole Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box the wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl One taco short of a combination plate A few feathers short of a whole duck All foam, no beer The cheese slid off his cracker Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down An intellect rivaled only by garden tools As smart as bait Chimney's clogged Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash Doesn't know much but, leads the league in nostril hair Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor Forgot to pay his brain bill Her sewing machine's out of thread His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels His belt doesn't go through all the loops If he had another brain, it would be lonely Missing a few buttons on his remote control No grain in the silo Proof that evolution can go in reverse Receiver is off the hook Several nuts short of a full pouch Sky light leaks a little Slinky's kinked Surfing in Nebraska Too much yardage between the goal posts -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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